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Title: On The Red Couch
Pairing: YunJae (with some YooSu and Min7en)
Chapter: F♥urteen
Chapter Rating: R
Genre: Slash/Relationship
Author: wedspawn

Part One: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Se7en, 8, 9, 10, 11

Part Two: 12, 13 (Extremely Mature Content), 14, 15, 16, Comments Regarding Storyline , Se7enteen, 18, 19, 20, 21 (Lemon)

Part Three: 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, Twenty-Se7en (LEMON), 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 (LEMON), 33, 34, 35, 36, Thirty-Se7en, 38, 39, 40 (Final)

Summary: Hot Korean boys. Sex. Dancing and some angry words. Not necessarily in that order. Not necessarily in each section. Final Book in SMM series.

They met for a few times, not speaking for about an hour or so before Jaejoong excused himself and left, bowing deeply with respect. The fourth time the Korean singer showed up at the door, Gackt spent the hour holding him, letting him cry out some of the pain. The fifth time Jaejoong arrived on the older man’s doorstep, he carried a bottle of wine and a haunted look in his eyes.

It was the look that told Gackt Jaejoong was ready to talk. The wine was merely a gift.

The house was large, overwhelmingly so, and kept dim to protect the Japanese’s sensitive eyes. Vast dark lengths of wood and stone made up most of the rooms, soft white furniture softening its hard lines. A white sofa, large enough for two people served as Jaejoong’s cocoon away from his pain and he drifted towards it, habit drawing him across the floor as Gackt followed close by.

The singer was silent for ten minutes and Gackt wondered if he was wrong about Jaejoong’s readiness when the younger man opened his mouth and began to speak.

“He’s dead,” Jaejoong was small.

Tucked into a ball and wedged into the corner of the couch, he diminished himself against the creamy white around him. Dressed in pure black, the singer was more shadow than man, a filmy broken slice of darkness made hollow by another man’s abuse.

Gackt didn’t need to ask who he was. There was only one man who could bring the sound of shattered glass to Jaejoong’s voice.

“How?” Gackt asked, placing a half-full glass of a fruity, pungent red on the glass table in front of Jaejoong. He perched on the edge of the couch, turned to face the ball of chaos and pain sitting besides him.

“Someone killed him. They found him, stabbed in the stomach with his insides pulled out. It happened in jail,” Jae replied. He left the wine where it was, not trusting himself to pick it up. His anger and confusion raged inside of him, a hateful storm of emotion raining fire down on him and he was tired, finding no shelter from its fury. “Our manager, Shizu, told me the police suspect one of his victim’s family was in prison or… knew someone there. What they did to him…how he died… they suspect it was someone who knew what he’d done.”

“It might have even been someone he… broke,” Gackt said, sipping at his own glass. “Men sometimes… when they are hurt, like you were hurt, they seek out danger and take risks. Sometimes even try to destroy society by committing crimes because they have that much anger inside of their hearts.”

The wine teased him, tasting of unfamiliar spices and dark fruit. He imagined it was close to the taste of Jaejoong’s mouth, erotic and red. Those kisses belonged to another man, one who would cherish them and the kitten who presented them. Gackt’s only task was to return Yunho’s most cherished possession to him — hopefully healed enough to be sipped from without the singer’s crystalline soul shattering under the pressure of Yunho’s touch.

“Someone stronger than me.”

The wine turned to bitter in Gackt’s mouth, soiled by Jaejoong’s loathing. He swallowed and set the glass down, momentarily unwilling to sip at its richness. “You… can’t say that, koneko. You are stronger than most men I know.”

“I’m nothing compared to most men.” He looked up, his deep brown eyes bare of contacts and rich with tears. “A man wouldn’t have… let this happen to him. I should have… fought him off. Told him no… did something.”

“You did tell him no.”

“You weren’t there. You don’t know, Camui-san,” Jae replied. “I could have been enticing him to do this. I probably made him think I wanted him to…”

“I’ve known you for a while now, Kim and the last thing I think you are is a tease,” He said, brushing the singer’s hair back from his face. “What happened to you… was Kimura’s doing, not yours. What you’re feeling is normal.”

“We’re led to believe that as men, we can’t be weak or show emotion,” Gackt continued. “If we show tears, they’re only allowable in anger and never in pain. Sorrow is something we are supposed to stand stoically instead of weeping. We’re to have our pain in private, not shedding more than a terse nod and a grunt that we’re okay, even if we are shredded down to our souls.”

“I don’t agree with that,” The man said, pulling Jaejoong to his side. “We should be allowed to mourn our loss of innocence without being made to feel weak.”

“I feel…dirty. Like I can’t go to Yunho because I’ll soil him,” Jae’s eyes glittered, reflecting the candles around them. “Kimura took who I was from me and now that he’s dead, I feel like I should have been the one to do that. The one to exact that revenge. I’ll never have that part of me back because I didn’t take it back.”

“I can’t change how you feel, not unless you change how you think,” He replied to the singer’s harsh words. “We’re told that if a man uses us like a woman, that makes us less of a man. I would say that surviving someone like Kimura is a greater battle than other men have fought. Surviving Kimura is a victory and shouldn’t be regarded as a defeat to your masculinity.”

“Not many would think me much of a man now, Camui-san. Even before Kimura… people would say I am less of one because I loved…love Yunho. How can you think that now… what I’ve given someone freely in love and has been taken from me by someone I trusted…how can that make me more of man? How does that make how I’m feeling now a victory.”

“Because you go on. You’ve placed a mask on your pain and forged forward. The problem is, Je-chan, your heart hurts and your anger needs an outlet.”

“I hate when people look at me and say; Oh, he’s like a woman. Being… forced that way just made it worse. I don’t feel like doing things that I love to do. I don’t want to cook any more. I don’t want… Yunho touching me or kissing me. It’s like anything that I was is now ruined. How do I take back… me?”

“You ask for help,” Gackt said. “Like you did with me. And then you talk to the others and share what happened. Let them love you. Let them try to understand your pain. You don’t have to share it with the world but you should share it with the people who love you. They should know what was done to you.”

“Have you been…hurt? Not like…this but inside? Something else?”

“God, koneko-chan.” The other man’s eyes dimmed, remembering someone lost to him. “I was on tour when someone I loved… my Yoochun … died suddenly in his sleep. No one told me until he died until almost a week later and by then… I’d lost my chance to say goodbye. They buried him the same day that they found him but I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t cry or be angry because I was on tour.”

“When did you cry?” He ached for his friend…his mentor. Gackt was becoming the closest thing to an older brother that Jaejoong ever experienced and to not know this tragedy made him hurt for the other’s heart. “Did you get to cry?”

“Alone,” Gackt admitted ruefully. “There wasn’t anyone for my heart to hold onto near me. I had friends but I thought that my sorrow would burden them. They knew, of course. I couldn’t hide my loss. Everyone around me knew but they couldn’t say anything because I told them I was fine.”

“What happened?”

“One day, koneko-chan, I stopped being fine.” He whispered into the other man’s ear. “I lost time. I lost my soul in the blackness I carried. It finally ate through me and there was nothing left. I was so angry and hurt, blaming everyone who took away my chances to say goodbye…who took away my dearest friend… that it burnt me up inside.”

“What did you do then?” Jaejoong didn’t want to imagine the day when he turned around and found Yoochun missing from his shadow. He was already fairly certain Yunho’s absence would kill him.

“Tried crying. I needed to let it out but I couldn’t.” Memories played behind Gackt’s hooded eyes, their sensual heat dimmed to a staid grey. “Then I drank until I couldn’t feel me anymore but the dreams kept coming. Kami came to me asking why I wasn’t there so I would wake up and drink again. Soon I began drinking and hoping I would never wake up again. I would either see Kami in my dreams all the time… or see him in death.”

He grew distant, pulling into himself and for a long moment, Jaejoong saw the public Gackt take the place of the mercurial, teasing man he’d grew to know. “I’m sorry, Camui-san. So sorry.”

“I don’t want you to get to that point, Je-chan. I don’t want to see you fall into the darkness so deep that it’s easier to let yourself slip into it than to craw out of it.” The kabuki mask slipped away, revealing the philosopher beneath. “I came out of it when a friend I’d just met came to me. He hadn’t known me long and he told me something intriguing.”

‘I’ve only loved you a short time,’ he said, ‘So if I am the one to lose you for saying this, then others will think I have lost the least of them but really, I would have lost the most because I have only had you for moments. But, Gackto dear, you are dying and I can’t lose you.

We need to peel back the hard skin that holds in your anger and hurt. It will be painful but you need to heal. It will scar and you will carry it forever but at least you will not die of your own poison. If you hate me for saying this, then hate me but I will leave knowing that I’ve lost someone I loved only in heart and not in body. You will still be here for me to love, even if I am far away.’

“So he and I, we peeled back my pain,” He grinned widely, taking the glass from Jaejoong to steal a mouthful of wine. He’d been right. The singer tasted as sweet as he’d imagined, the scent and wet of Jaejoong glimmering on the glass. Laying his mouth on the spot, he savoured Jae, knowing it was as close to him as he could get then returned the wine glass to his friend’s hands. “I wrote and then threw away words and songs then wrote some more.”

“You said goodbye in your music?”

“I did. I said goodbye the only way I knew how,” He murmured. “And every time I sing those songs in concert, I hear everyone’s voices raise up and I think; ‘Ah, surely Kami must be able to hear me now. Hear how loud they are. Surely he can hear this in Heaven.’ When they sing my words to the sky, they carry my love to him. And in writing and talking about him and about my pain, I lessened the poison I’d put into myself.”

Gackt shifted his arms, wrapping them around Jae’s waist. The singer resisted at first, not wanting the other man’s comfort but the Japanese singer was stronger willed and pulled the younger man into his lap. “Even now, I want to console you but you fight me. I know part of it is because you… because of who you are and what you had to be to get to this point in life but it’s also because you blame yourself for Kimura’s actions. And you’re wrong, kitten. You did nothing to deserve this. You did not ask for this.”

“I… wanted to tell Yunho but..” Jae shoved his fists against his forehead, digging his knuckles into his eyelids. “We were all so tired and after too much time passed… I thought he wouldn’t… want me.”

“Now that, I can’t say anything about. I don’t know your bear.” Gackt teased carefully, bringing a lift to the corner of Jae’s full mouth. “I don’t know if he’s the kind of man who will stand by you but if I had to guess, I’d say he’ll be hurt you didn’t talk to him. And even more hurt that you thought he wouldn’t want you.”

“Yunnie-ah — has a temper.” The singer admitted. “And I’m not — much better sometimes. When he let Kimura separate us, I was angry. I wanted to… hit him. He made me feel like I wasn’t as important to him as Japan.”

“You wanted him to speak up and pronounce that you’re his lover?” Gackt asked. “Did you tell him that?”

“No,” He said with a shake of his head. “When I get angry, I don’t want to talk about it so I…”

“Ignored him? Continued being mad at him for spite?”

“Yes,” Jae replied. “Then our schedules started getting hectic… and Kimura began to press into me. Pushing me into corners. I was still mad at Yunho but… I couldn’t go to the others. I couldn’t tell someone else and not Yunho. Pretty soon, it was too late.”

“Je-chan, it’s never too late,” Gackt explained, shifting so the singer’s legs were more comfortably stretched out over the sofa cushions. “If this had happened to any of the others… Min or even Yoochun… would you have been mad that they didn’t say anything? If Kimura was touching them and forcing himself on them, should they have kept quiet.”

“Yes, I’d be mad and no, they shouldn’t keep quiet. I’d… have killed him.”

“Why?” The Japanese man cocked his head, a quirk to his expressive mouth. “What makes them worth defending and you not?”

“Because I love them.” Jaejoong sat quietly, searching inside of himself. “Because they are…innocent. Because they are…people who… they are… someone worth something. They have so much to give and to have that done to them —- to have Kimura touch them — would hurt them. I couldn’t stand to see them hurt like that. I wouldn’t want them to feel like I do.”

“Do you think your love for them is better than their love for you? Do you think you love better?”

“No! I never said that!”

“You did…with your silence,” Gackt pointed out, quietly driving home his point. “You chose to disregard the person they love…you. If someone hurt Junsu, your duck joker, you would stand by Yoochun in his anger and rightfully so. But you won’t stand by Yoochun when someone hurts his Jaejoong? He’d want you to. He’d want you to know that you are as worthy of his love as is Junsu or the others.”


“Given his actions against Kimura and probably at a cost to his pride, I would say Yunho loves you deeply.” He leaned over, rescuing his wine glass and put it in the singer’s hands to sip. “I think he’s going to be mad and hurt but I don’t think he’ll turn away from you. He might need to walk off his anger but really, that would be understandable. You might have to pay the price for your silence with a little time but I think that would be worth it.”

“He will hate me,” Jaejoong murmured, upending the wine glass. The potent burgundy lulled his thoughts, dulling his senses and he leaned back, resting against Gackt’s slender chest. “I’d rather die than have him hate me. I wish I’d died when Kimura touched me.”

“I’m glad you didn’t,” Gackt replied, brushing his lips against Jae’s forehead. “I wouldn’t want to hear the songs that Yoochun and Yunho would have to write to erase their pain. I don’t think the world could stand their tears. It would flood us and we would all drown in their sorrow.”

“What do I do, akei?” He hiccupped, the wine going to his head. Exhaustion tugged him down. Emotionally drained and with an empty stomach, the liquor hit his system with a punch. “How do I solve this? How do I fix what I’ve done.”

“Don’t worry, neko,” The older man said. “I’ll help you.”

In moments, the singer’s breathing deepened and he shifted, sliding down Gackt’s body. Cradling the Korean, the singer lay back against the arm of the couch, letting Jaejoong fall further into a comforting slumber. He disliked seeing the shadows ringing the younger man’s eyes, dark rings and puffed wrinkles from lack of sleep marring Jaejoong’s beauty. It’d been too long since Gackt had seen the young man smile and he’d never known him to laugh.

Kimura’s touch had been on Jaejoong for as long as the Japanese singer had known him and Gackt felt it was time to wipe his friend clean of its stain.

Jaejoong’s discarded jacket held what Gackt needed and he whistled as he dialed the first number in the singer’s speed dial. A man answered, sleepy and bewildered.

“Hello Jung. This is Gackt, one of Je-chan’s… friends,” Gackt slipped the empty wine glass out of Jae’s fingers and positioned it on the coffee table, refilling it carefully as he tucked the phone under his chin, his other arm around Jae’s slender body. “I am calling to see if you have some time free. I think there’s something we need to talk about. How soon? Now — I think, now would be best.”



( 110 comments — Leave a comment )
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(no subject) - wedspawn - Aug. 28th, 2009 10:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wedspawn - Aug. 28th, 2009 10:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 28th, 2009 09:17 pm (UTC)
Aug. 28th, 2009 09:21 pm (UTC)
i hope yunho won't be angry at jae :[
i wonder what gackt'll talk about with him.
thnx for updating ^--^
(no subject) - wedspawn - Aug. 28th, 2009 10:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wedspawn - Aug. 28th, 2009 10:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 28th, 2009 09:37 pm (UTC)
spot this time! :D
Aug. 28th, 2009 09:38 pm (UTC)
wow, got third!*yay me* XD
(no subject) - wedspawn - Aug. 28th, 2009 10:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - kohaku_chuu - Aug. 28th, 2009 11:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wedspawn - Aug. 28th, 2009 11:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 28th, 2009 09:40 pm (UTC)
I\m still crying over the loss of Yoosu in this but this is getting intriquing. Did I write it right? It's late

<3 I'm anxious about the next chapter, can't wait to read the convo between two strong man.
Aug. 28th, 2009 10:34 pm (UTC)
♥♥♥♥don't worry, there will be yoosu. there are three parts in this. the middle part... a LOT of yunjae :::grins::: ♥♥♥♥♥
Aug. 28th, 2009 09:48 pm (UTC)
i was about to sleep, but then i found out that f♥urteen is up. read first, sleep later. :p

*whispers* i killed kimura. heh.

i'm glad jaejoong has gackt to help and support him. he's surrounded by people who truly loves him, i hope he'll soon realize that.

you made my day. thank you for f♥urteen. good morning. ♥

Aug. 28th, 2009 10:35 pm (UTC)
♥♥♥♥♥♥ smoooches. and ah, it was you! i don't think anyone would blame you. :::nods:::

jae does have gackt and they will sort things out. it will take some time but ah, it will be okay. :::hugs you:::

heh. now go to bed ::tucks you in::: ♥
Aug. 28th, 2009 09:52 pm (UTC)
spot! Spot dang it!
Aug. 28th, 2009 10:38 pm (UTC)
♥♥♥♥♥ smooches
(no subject) - hi_yu - Aug. 29th, 2009 09:44 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wedspawn - Aug. 29th, 2009 05:00 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 28th, 2009 09:52 pm (UTC)
Aug. 28th, 2009 10:09 pm (UTC)
I loooooooooove how you portrayed Gackt!!! OMO! He doesn't seem like that really arrogant singer that you see on TV, but the person who is behind the public mask ♥
And Jae... sometimes I wanna smack him and sometimes I want to hug him so badly~ but I guess it is all part of figuring out how he feels and how to get over what Kimura did.
BTW, I'm glad Kimura was killed in a gruesome, disgusting way... he had it coming, the sick bastard~

Ooooooh, can't wait till I see how does Yunho react to Gackt ^^
(no subject) - wedspawn - Aug. 28th, 2009 10:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wedspawn - Aug. 28th, 2009 10:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 28th, 2009 10:01 pm (UTC)
ur posts make me smile these days =)
Aug. 28th, 2009 10:22 pm (UTC)
ok since im over emotional, i cried half way through this.
i liked this one alot. thanx for writing and updating :)
(no subject) - wedspawn - Aug. 28th, 2009 10:44 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wedspawn - Aug. 28th, 2009 10:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 28th, 2009 11:26 pm (UTC)
I didnt comment on your fic yet but i am reading and loving it. :)) I was so surprised when Gackt appeared in it since he was my first impression from Asia some 10 years ago. And he is still on top. :)) Funny to think about this scene in this chapter, Gackt and Jaejoong look a lot alike but with quite an appearant age gap, so its almost like two brothers embracing^^

Jaejoong's personality is outstanding in a silent way. He always seems to put others in front of himself and tries to protect them even for the price of them hating him. I just remember the fight he had with changmin in levander bunny. At first I really thought jae should take a rest and back up from other people's lives but when he explained to junsu what he wanted to protect changmin from, it truly amazed me. This kind of personality truly amazes me, and i am glad you are portaying him so well. :))

Whatever else i wanted to say, i will say next time. I have to sleeeeeep. :D
Aug. 28th, 2009 11:33 pm (UTC)
Maybe i am the only person but i feel sorry for kimura too..... just wanted to add.
(no subject) - miramaru - Aug. 28th, 2009 11:41 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wedspawn - Aug. 28th, 2009 11:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
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Aug. 28th, 2009 11:29 pm (UTC)
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Aug. 29th, 2009 12:15 am (UTC)
Ah..Kat is not here yet too??
Aug. 29th, 2009 12:36 am (UTC)
er? ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
(no subject) - chloe1910 - Aug. 29th, 2009 01:39 am (UTC) - Expand
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Aug. 29th, 2009 02:09 am (UTC)
Wow, I want to say that kimura deserved it but I feel sorry for him...really...*sighs*
Aug. 29th, 2009 02:28 am (UTC)
it was not a good end but i needed him out of the way. ♥♥♥♥

Aug. 29th, 2009 03:36 am (UTC)
heeheeheeheeheee. /laughs crazily.

no, i'm just really happy. :D

gackt is such a wonderful confidante and friend, seriously. jaejoong is blessed to have him. :D and yunho. and yoochun. and junsu and changmin. :D

i'll be waiting for tomorrow! :D
Aug. 29th, 2009 03:51 am (UTC)
jae is very lucky to have gackt. :::nods::: and ah, the others will have a jaejoong that can speak to them, openly and willingly. :::hugs:::

Aug. 29th, 2009 04:44 am (UTC)
ooh gackt is very sweet
ooh kami's death is still tragic, love that you added this
Emu for my dear is one of my favorite songs of gackt
ooh cant wait for gackt anh yunho to talk ooh can't wait
Aug. 29th, 2009 04:46 am (UTC)
♥♥♥♥ kami is... i know gackt was broken by his death. i wanted to give him that... respect here. :::nods::: acknowledge their connection.

ah, i have to work on the yunho/gackt section ♥♥♥ snookies.
Aug. 29th, 2009 05:38 am (UTC)
I wonder what gackt will tell yun I hope he doesn't reveal all of jae's secrets because they aren't his to tell
Aug. 29th, 2009 04:14 pm (UTC)
[_])♥ smooches and cocoa.

ah, i am working on what they are talking about right now. :::nods::::

♥♥♥ snookies.
Aug. 29th, 2009 06:34 am (UTC)
the pain from both men that you potrayed here was beautiful.

and this :

I had friends but I thought that my sorrow would burden them. They knew, of course. I couldn’t hide my loss. Everyone around me knew but they couldn’t say anything because I told them I was fine.”

this hits me a little inside. i had to stop reading.

aahh unnie. this is one of my fav chap! <3333
Aug. 29th, 2009 04:24 pm (UTC)
♥♥♥♥ smooches. and hugs honey.

ah, i was dealing with... a shared sorrow... and how to come to grips with something that you have no control over.


snookies and hugs. thank you baby.
(no subject) - wedspawn - Aug. 29th, 2009 04:25 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 29th, 2009 08:03 am (UTC)
It's scary how much I needed this chapter. I felt like I understood Jaejoong in so many ways.

I love Gackt. People who disagree with his character are idiots, just blubbering idiots because Jaejoong needed that. He needed himself to pull back and have someone NOT apart of the group, someone not attached, unknown come in and talk to him.

When people are involved, its a lot harder to believe what they have to say. But those who look from the outside in are always the ones that have the stronger say.

I love their relationship because Gackt doesn't but understands a lot more than Jaejoong expected. I can't describe the position Gackt is in. Because he's not the Yoochun or the Yunho in this scenario, he's exactly who he is Gackt. He has no relation no understanding of the position he's in but he makes Jaejoong see reason and make him understand.

When Gackt touches Jaejoong, I want him to hold him tighter, to hold him closer and to keep him where I know Jaejoong needs to be. Gackt is exactly what Jaejoong needed in every sense of the word friend.

‘I’ve only loved you a short time,’ he said, ‘So if I am the one to lose you for saying this, then others will think I have lost the least of them but really, I would have lost the most because I have only had you for moments. But, Gackto dear, you are dying and I can’t lose you.

This is the most beautiful line, I have ever read in the fandom of the world. I mean I have shivers down my spine, and tears down my cheeks. This was beautiful.
Aug. 29th, 2009 04:34 pm (UTC)

gackt's place in this is just gackt. he slides in to something that jaejoong needed but the others aren't able to provide. he's had an immense pain that he's had no control over so... he understands the depth of jae's anguish.

it took me a while to write that paragraph. i knew what i wanted to say but not how to say it. but i was happy with how it turned out :::nods:::

snookies and chus. ♥♥♥
(Deleted comment)
Aug. 29th, 2009 04:56 pm (UTC)
♥♥♥♥ i do wish i could have had kimura pay for his crimes... and repent but i don't have the space in the book

gackt is very much the philosopher. :::nods::: and a good friend to jaejoong. ♥♥♥

smooches and i shall work on yunho. ♥
Aug. 29th, 2009 10:39 am (UTC)
with every chapter, this story gets richer ♥ i love that you dedicated an entire chapter to just the conversation between jaejoong and gackt, because it is so so important (: we get to see jae's true feelings, and the fact that kimura died is a surprising plot twist, but one that fits in really well. it further drives in how hurt jae is by all the past happenings, that even with the death of the the one that hurt him, he can't be happy and relieved. he's even more conflicted and hurt at the moment.

i think that the fact that yunho had to step in and stop kimura is killing jae inside even more. jae is the kind that doesn't open up easily to the rest when it comes to his problems. he's a strong support and stands by the rest of the members through thick and thin, but when it comes to his own problems, he can't open up and trust the others because he doesn't want to burden them. the scars of the past are still too fresh and he doesn't feel his problems worthy of being known by the rest. most importantly, he doesn't want them to worry for him.

the fact that he could not stop kimura on his own, and had to turn to the members for help and more importantly, to yunho is killing him inside. he never wanted to show yunho the dirty side of himself, but he did and he feels even dirtier for doing so, because he thinks yunho as so pure compared to him. he also has to stand aside and be protected by the members when this problem is brought upon himself by himself, while the others are doing their best to keep him safe.

and i love how you use gackt as this calming presence and this fortress within all the fury that jae faces now, and how he rationally consoles jaejoong and makes him see things in a different light. he helps jae see the truth that his scars and his love for yunho has blinded him to, and most importantly, jae feels safe around him. its nice to see a japanese version of scarlet for him in japan to turn to (:

and last of all, i absolutely adore how you ended off with gackt taking things in his own hands and calling yunho to fill him in on what jae has been going through, because he deserves to know, as jae's lover. and gackt is perceptive enough to feel all this and know that yunho loves jae as much as jae loves him, and this should be settled by yunho, and yunho alone, because all gackt can do is to offer a comforting shoulder to jae and help him see the truth. but yunho is the one that will piece jae back together (: (oh no i feel like i'm predicting the next chapter before it's even out HAHA)

oops. i think i've written another essay- sorry for making you read through so much crap! haha (: looking forward to the next chapter very very much ♥
Aug. 29th, 2009 05:03 pm (UTC)
♥♥♥♥ heh... snookies and ah, no i am glad that you are enjoying it.

these past few chapters were oh so hard to write because ... so much anguish but they had to be told in such a way that was at least tasteful. :::nods::

gackt is a good character in this because yes, he knows what jae is going through and he can help a little bit but he knows what's been done and what needs to be done. :::nods:: always good to have that. ♥

i'm working on the next chapter. once again, a delicate one because yunho and gackt are... oddly mirrored in this. so it'll be a different blend than jae and G.

snookies and much love. thank you ♥
Aug. 29th, 2009 01:00 pm (UTC)
KYA!!!! GACKT + yunho = HOT!!! lol not that it will happen unless you write a one shot for it. Hohohoho. love love love love

Hope Yunho will fix jae too *chus*
Aug. 29th, 2009 05:08 pm (UTC)
♥♥♥♥♥ and smooooooches. ♥♥♥♥♥ ah.

oh no, no one shots on that :::grins::: ♥♥♥♥

yunnie will fix the jae. hopefully. ♥
(no subject) - chibi_chibit - Aug. 29th, 2009 07:44 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 29th, 2009 02:05 pm (UTC)
gackt is LOVE.
i wanna see how his conversation with yunho goes. hahah i expect lots of fire and heated words from yunho's end cos hes a total volcano when it comes to jae :P

jae needs to learn to love himself more. it's hard considering his background and experiences and all, but he has to. LOVE himself and find that self-worth that others around all see in him but is blind to himself.


how did jae x gackt friendship start anyway?

<3 <3 <3 <3
Aug. 29th, 2009 05:10 pm (UTC)
heh... he is volcano when it comes to jaejoong but ah, i will have to see what he does with gackt.

:::grins::: jae does need to start to love himself more. he does. :::nods::: and he will.

i don't know how it started. :::winks::: i haven't thought that far back but oh, it's been nice to write.

snookies ♥♥♥♥
Aug. 29th, 2009 05:35 pm (UTC)
OMG OMG i keep continue saying this whenever i read this fic! Gackt is finally gonna meet Yunho! Hope Yun doesn't think anything bad of him. And ohh Jaejae's self esteem is destroyed. He needs to trust Yun more than that! *look i'm already hypnotized by the story*

Do continue, Dear! You are the best! ^__^
Aug. 29th, 2009 07:29 pm (UTC)
smooches. and thank you. i'm glad that you like it honey. :::squishes you::: gackt is going to meet yunho. :::nods::: and well, i'll have to see how they interact.

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(no subject) - wedspawn - Aug. 29th, 2009 07:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wedspawn - Aug. 29th, 2009 07:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 31st, 2009 03:02 pm (UTC)
eonni, i'm here! :D /waves

i like this chapter so much. partly because it features gackt & jaejoong - two of the most unique celebrities i ever like, and mostly because because of the profound issue discussed in this chapter. sometimes when we're presented with something ugly like rape, it's too easy to fall back to thinking it's okay because it's fiction. but fictions are still reflections of what happen in our society. i feel so sad that some people still have that mentality of blaming the rape victim as guilty for the thing that happened to them. i remember once how a girl that went to my school got raped, and people were saying she asked for it because she often wore sexy clothes. i felt like slapping the people who said that. those who raped her should have been the one to put blame on. seeing someone sexy doesn't give you right to put your hands where they don't belong. :|

“We’re led to believe that as men, we can’t be weak or show emotion,” Gackt continued. “If we show tears, they’re only allowable in anger and never in pain. Sorrow is something we are supposed to stand stoically instead of weeping. We’re to have our pain in private, not shedding more than a terse nod and a grunt that we’re okay, even if we are shredded down to our souls.”

“I don’t agree with that,” The man said, pulling Jaejoong to his side. “We should be allowed to mourn our loss of innocence without being made to feel weak.”
- i feel like crying when i read this. so, so true. ;~;

aside from joongie's dilemma, the mention of gackt's loss was painful too. both of them lost someone/something important to them, a bestfriend and the ability to trust and love fully. this is the harsh truth of life. i really want to hug gackt and jae right now. aish so brave, these two.

jae needs to know yunho loves him enough to get them through anything. i feel so sad thinking how joongie thought yunho doesn't want him anymore because we know yunho still want him so much. he left some important people behind to be with jae. ah i can't wait till they are in each others' arms again. :]

♥ i'm running to the following chapters. see u then! 8D

Aug. 31st, 2009 03:05 pm (UTC)
♥♥♥ hello honey! :::hugs::: ah, i am up to chapter 17! my brain was all... TYPE! ♥

as for your schoolmate... yes, none of the blame was on her and it's sad that people justify what happened to her by shifting the blame to her. it is wrong to assault someone...to abuse their space and body. no matter what happens or what they do, it's not an okay thing to do. :::nods:: i wish her strength in her recovery and i hope she's happier now.

♥♥♥ gack and jae. ah, so much alike, no?

heh... yunjae. sometimes communication is key to a relationship and they really have to work on that. they have to share how they feel and work on compromise. that's always important. :::nods::: ♥

smooches and snookies! ♥
(no subject) - pabogateunfish - Aug. 31st, 2009 03:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wedspawn - Aug. 31st, 2009 04:02 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 12th, 2009 11:13 am (UTC)
Now I know why my sister cried while reading this...
*looks up at the Kami memorial box*
Any mention of Kami and my sister will burst into tears
I'm so choked up right now I can't think straight
Especially since Gackt's "Oblivious" is running through my head at the same time that "Emu~For My Dear" is
Though I'm not so incoherent as to not read of Gackt's desire for Jae...
It puts a rather unique spin on this
*shifts position*
mumbles I wonder what the Gackt/Yunho convo will be about
Sep. 12th, 2009 08:20 pm (UTC)
::::hugs:::: ♥♥♥♥ i do mourn kami and wish gackt had... i wish him peace for his love and his beloved. :::nods::: i know he loves deeply and ah, misses kami probably so much. :::nods:::

snookies and hugs. kisses to your sister for me. :::squishes:::: i wanted to give kami a place in gackt's heart here. so that he is forever gakkun's angel.
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