Pairing: Jaejoong and Junsu (apparently Yoochun and Yunho / Min7en too)
Summary: Junsu discovers an emptiness in his heart and is afraid the only person who can fill it is someone too broken...too afraid to be loved.
Sections: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Se7en, Eight
For Ree, Scarletpeonies, Calyto and Maria...and anyone else who wanted a JaeSu.
That first sweet kiss.
It would be how Junsu thought of that moment forever. Those achingly too-short seconds when Jaejoong’s mouth descended upon his and he tasted the other’s lips on his. The brief moment of time before he daringly slid his tongue along the crease of their joined lips and delved past the kiss into Jaejoong’s mouth to suckle and tease the other man’s tongue.
The older man tasted of the night sky… a sip of stars and soju. The darkness Junsu found in Jae’s mouth was tempered by an indescribable sweetness and Junsu knew in his heart that he was tasting the depths of Jaejoong’s soul. He barely felt Jae’s hands in his hair or the press of the man’s hot body against his until Jaejoong’s longer legs parted and Junsu slid up against the hard thrust of Jae’s sex. His own cock responded, tightening at its head until Junsu felt it begin to moisten and weep at his arousal.
Junsu’s body felt on fire, from the tips of his nipples rubbing against the rough weave of his shirt to the languid numbness of his scalp where Jaejoong’s fingers lovingly stroked at his hair. The singer’s thumbs pressed into the jut of his jaw, forcing Junsu’s mouth to open wider and he moaned, sounding wanton to his own ears.
His head tilted back and Junsu exposed his throat to Jaejoong’s wandering mouth. Groaning with disappointment at losing Jaejoong’s lips on his, his over-heated brain finally connected to the nip of the man’s teeth on the soft skin along his throat and the sudden rush of blood to his groin when Jae’s hand dropped from his hair only to skim along the bared skin along his waistband.
Jaejoong’s fingernails scraped light furrows on Junsu’s pale, delicate skin. Junsu growled, twisting his hips forward with the need to have Jae dig further into his flesh. Something primal in Junsu’s soul begged for the older man to mark him… to leave long red welts along his waist’s tender skin or to bury his fingers into the flesh of Junsu’s hips. Junsu wanted to feel the bruises he knew Jaejoong’s strong hands would leave on him but the other man’s fingers merely skittered back and forth until Junsu nearly cried out with his overwhelming need.
The cold air hit Junsu hard and the wet spots on his mouth and neck where Jae’s tongue and lips left their mark ached at the loss of the man’s touch on Junsu’s skin. Gasping for air, Junsu blindly reached for the man, closing his hands on Jae’s shivering arms. The air was filled with the sounds of their heavy breathing and the soft kittenish noises Junsu made as he stroked Jaejoong’s trouble-furrowed forehead.
He didn’t know what he would do but Junsu feared his heart would break if Jaejoong pushed him away again. Junsu slid one hand down to Jaejoong’s chest and he gripped the man’s shirt, shaking Jae lightly. “If you tell me that this … what we’ve done is a mistake…I’ll…”
“No, not a mistake,” Jaejoong said, shaking his head. He covered Junsu’s hand with one of his own, his fingers trembling and cold. “You deserve better than… this. You deserve better than being felt up in the middle of your living room. We should go slower…if we’re going to do this. This is too soon. Too fast.”
Junsu’s frustration warred with his arousal and he stood mute, unsure if he would scream at Jaejoong’s head for bringing him to the brink of an uncontrollable need or search for the understanding he would need to see Jaejoong’s point. Swallowing hard, he opened his mouth to speak when any decision he might have made was taken away from him as Jaejoong let him go and took a step back.
“Hyung!” Junsu bit at his lower lip. His irritation at being so close to what he wanted overwhelmed any other emotion he might have had and he reached for the older man, grabbing at Jaejoong’s wrists. The singer didn’t resist when Junsu pulled him closer but Jae still hovered further away than Junsu would have liked, just out of kissing reach. “We’ve known each other for years…”
“Not like this,” Jae shook his head, the brush of his dark hair falling into his eyes. “Not this… close. This… is hard. I don’t know what to do. What to say. What do we do here? How can we do this?”
Junsu studied the man who held his heart. The doubt in Jaejoong’s eyes was deep. Pain resonated in the man’s words, his caution grown from years of wanting to be loved and then being cast aside for someone he loved as a brother.
Jaejoong looked away and Junsu knew in his bones he’d found the truth of the matter. Burbling in the music of Jaejoong’s thoughts was a discordance, one born from scars left by others’ cutting words and disregard. Junsu’s frustration burnt away under the heat of his anger and for the first time, he felt something other than regret towards his former leader.
They all known of Jaejoong’s need to be loved and how he’d worked for everyone’s approval. It was a mindset Junsu never could understand. He’d grown up in a household where he’d been treasured and coddled…where every step he’d taken had been celebrated and encouraged. To be forgotten or ignored was an alien concept for Junsu, something he couldn’t wrap his mind around. To discover Yunho broke Jaejoong’s soul, doing more damage than the fractures to Jae’s heart enraged Junsu and he gritted his teeth, overcome with an urge to beat their former leader senseless.
“You’re scared.” Junsu wiped at his face with his free hand. “You’re as scared to be loved as you are to love. God, I hate the world for what it did to you. I hate… I hate that I have to be the first one to love you… to tell you that you’re worth everything I have. You should already know how special you are, Jaejoong-ah. You should already know how much you should be loved. This… between us should be easy but if it isn’t… if it can’t be easy… then I’m willing to fight for it. I am here besides you, Joongie-ah. I am never going to leave your side.”
Yoochun lay bathed in the dim moonlight coming in from his bare bedroom window. Yunho’s arm was curled around his torso and the older man’s mouth was pressed against his neck. Yunho’s soft breathing left little ghostly kisses on Yoochun’s warm skin and the singer stared up at the ceiling, pondering the tangled mess he’d willingly jumped head-first into. There would be a price to pay for loving Yunho openly. Yoochun glanced over at the man asleep across his body and he shifted uncomfortably.
“Am I willing to give up Jaejoong for this?” Yoochun murmured aloud. “Can’t I love both of them, God? Must I give one of them up in order to love the other?”
“If you still have energy to talk to yourself, then I didn’t wear you out enough,” Yunho muttered into the curve of Yoochun’s neck. “Give me a few minutes and I’ll have something else for your mouth to do.”
“We need to talk,” Yoochun said, pushing his hand between his throat and Yunho’s caressing lips. “We need to talk about what we’re doing…before we go any further with this.”
Yunho looked over his shoulder at the alarm clock on Yoochun’s nightstand. “It’s four in the morning. You want to talk about this now?”
“If not now,” He asked, “Then we’ll never talk about it. Now.”
Yunho sat up and rubbed the sleep clinging to his eyes. His body ached from the positions he’d twisted into while making love to Yoochun and there was a suspicious brightness ping of pain along his spine where he was sure an impression of Yoochun’s teeth marked him. The musky blend of male sweat and sex lingered in the air, a redolent natural smell that brought up naughty memories of the hours they’d spent exploring one another’s bodies. Aroused, Yunho reached for Yoochun only to be shoved back into the pillows before he could pull the smaller man into his lap.
“I’ll think better if I can hold you,” Yunho beseeched, reaching for his lover again.
“You fuck better if you can reach me,” Yoochun commented dryly. “Talking and thinking rarely has anything to do with it.”
Pulling his knees up, Yunho resigned himself to a conversation he’d rather have avoided. The twinge at the small of his back grew to an ache, blossoming to a throb when he sat up enough to lean against the bed’s headboard. Settled in, he rubbed at Yoochun’s back. “What do you want to talk about?”
“What do we do? Where do we go from here?” Yoochun turned and Yunho’s hand slid over his ribs. The older man let his fingers rest on his lover’s side for a moment before he reached to touch the slender singer’s thigh. “How do we do this and still be… apart?”
“You can’t be with the company.” Yunho shook his head and cut the other man off. “That wasn’t a question. You can’t. They are determined to ruin you…all three of you but Jaejoong most of all. Even if you wanted to come back, I don’t think I could watch them kill you. And they would. They would do everything within their power to make you three suffer for betraying them. I don’t want to watch that. I can’t watch that and do nothing.”
“So what do we do?” Yoochun puffed out his cheeks in exasperation. “Jaejoong is going to kill me. He loves you…”
“He doesn’t love me,” Yunho interrupted. “Maybe he did once or he thought he did but he doesn’t now. You and I…”
“I shouldn’t be here. Not with you.” The younger man ran his fingers through his hair, clutching at his head as he rested his elbows on his legs. His back bowed and his spine ran hard under his skin, small bony pebbles Yunho ached to kiss. “But I don’t want to be anywhere else. God, this is such a fucking mess.”
“You don’t have to make a choice between me and Jaejoong.” Reaching forward, Yunho touched the tattoo at the base of Yoochun’s spine. Tracing the letters that represented their beginning, he murmured, “You don’t have to give up one to have the other. I won’t give you up but I will share you. Can he say the same?”
“I don’t know,” Yoochun mumbled. His words were almost lost in the quiet hush of the bedroom’s fans. “He’s going to hate me as much as he hates you.”
“I doubt that,” Yunho snorted. “I don’t think he could hate anyone more than he hates me. I fucked with everything but his body then I turned around and gave into the one temptation I promised him meant nothing to me… you.”
“You told him… you wanted me?” The baritone gaped, twisting around to stare senselessly at his lover. “When you were… with him?”
“I was playing with him, Yoochun,” The older man said softly. “We were lying to one another about love. Both of us were wrapped up in a game the company invented for us until we thought it might be real. Somewhere deep inside of me, I knew that Jaejoong wasn’t the one I wanted. I can’t fix him, Yoochun. I don’t know if anyone can. He’s too broken. Too fragile.”
“He’s stronger than you think,” Yoochun replied. “He’s done everything for us. He’s our leader now even though we say we don’t have one. Jaejoong’s been the one to hold us together in this. He’s not as weak as you think.”
“Every time I touched him or talked to him, I felt like I was going to break off pieces of his mind. I don’t know how to fix him. Hell, I’m not even a good enough friend to him. I turned my back on him when he needed me the most.” Yunho bent forward to kiss Yoochun’s shoulder then rested his cheek against the younger man’s shoulder blade. “The three of you leaving made me realize I wasn’t who I thought I was. Maybe Jaejoong isn’t who I thought he was either.”
“I have to talk to him… make sure he’s okay with this.” Yoochun sighed and leaned back into the pillows. “That is if we’re going to do this… be together. Hell, I haven’t even asked you that.” Turning onto his side, he glanced up at Yunho. “Are we? Together then?”
“Like the stars and the sky,” Yunho whispered, sliding down until he was nose to nose with his lover. “I love you, Park Yoochun. I’ve risked my sanity, my career and hell, if Jaejoong has anything to say about it, my balls to be with you. We’ll work this out. I promise you that. You’ll have everything you deserve…everything you should have. Even if I have to walk away from every dream I’ve ever had, you’re worth it. I just hope you think I’m worth it too.”
Jaejoong undressed slowly and Junsu slipped away to scrub the eyeliner from his face. Leaving the nightstand light on, Junsu peered at the bathroom mirror, keeping the door open so he could see into the bedroom behind him. The soft glow from the lamp threw deep shadows onto Jaejoong’s body, sculpting onyx wells into the curves of his porcelain skin. Starkly outlined, his muscles stood out against the juts of bone along his hips. Jae’s boxer-briefs hung snugly against his slender body, curving out to follow the gentle rise of his firm ass cheeks as he turned around to slide back the bed’s covers.
Pressing his forehead against the cold mirrored glass did not help stave off the desire rushing through Junsu’s body. There was something about the unconscious grace of Jaejoong’s movements that made him want to run his hands over the man’s torso. It was funny, Junsu thought as he splashed cold water on his face to ice down the hot red stain in his cheeks, Jaejoong had to battle to learn a dance move but let him walk across the room and the man’s rolling gait could make a celibate monk blush.
God intimately knew the naughty thoughts Junsu had where Jaejoong was concerned. He’d included them with every prayer he said at night before he went to bed.
Drying his face, Junsu turned off the bathroom light and padded into his bedroom on bare feet. Not for the first time he wondered if the idea he’d had for them to sleep in the same bed was a wise one. Glancing at Jaejoong’s bowed shoulders as he sat down on the bed strengthened Junsu’s resolve. He’d made the right decision asking Jae to spend the night with him. At the very least, he would hold Jaejoong when the morning rose and they could watch the sun touch the sky.
He reached Jae’s side and touched the man’s shoulder, startling Jaejoong. The older man looked up, his eyes wide and doe-like. Jae stared up into Junsu’s face, his mouth parted slightly as his tongue ran around his lips. Biting back a moan, Junsu smiled and pushed Jaejoong back into the bed.
“Sleep. You look worn out.” Junsu pulled back the covers and waited for Jaejoong to shove his legs under the sheets.
“Are you still…sleeping with me?” Jae lay back against the soft pillows at the head of the bed. “I mean, on the bed?”
“I promised I wouldn’t leave you, Joongie-ah. I’ll be right by your side,” Junsu said.
Sliding under the blankets, Junsu turned off the night light and lay back, breathing in the scent of the man lying besides him. He heard Jaejoong move on the bed and then the man’s weight shifted until Jae rested on the pillows Junsu lay on. Turning onto his side, Junsu found himself staring at Jae’s moonlit face.
“You’re not sleeping, hyung,” Junsu teased. “Do I need to make you jook so you can sleep?”
“Why do you call me hyung?” Jae nested his hand under his cheek and blinked, his eyes adjusting slowly to the dim light. “I’m not that much older than you.”
“I call Junho hyung,” He said with a helpless shrug. “I call Hyukjae that to tease him but you and Junho… you both me feel like I’m protected when I’m with you. I can call you oppa if you want but I’m not that much of a girl.”
“I don’t think you’re a girl at all,” Jae remarked. His hand lifted under the blankets and his fingers began to trail over Junsu’s side until his palm lay on the younger man’s hip.
“That’s our problem, isn’t it?” Junsu snuggled closer to Jaejoong until he could feel the man’s breath on his face and their shoulders touched when they shifted. “People see us as feminine. You’re pretty. Too pretty sometimes. It makes me hurt to see you because I think you can’t be real. I wonder if God lost one of His angels and one day, he’ll find you and take you away from me.”
“If I were one of God’s angels, then he’s cast me out like he did Lucifer,” The man snorted. “If anyone’s an angel, it’s you, Junsu-ah. Even your mother thinks so.”
It was Junsu’s turn to laugh. He giggled, a silvery sound under the pulled up sheets. “Mothers are supposed to think that.”
“Mine didn’t give me a second thought,” Jaejoong replied bitterly. “Neither of them did.”
“They…” Junsu thought of the women he’d seen with Jaejoong. There were too many and the singer often bounced from one to the other looking for affection. Mostly the young man reminded Junsu of a puppy, going from hand to hand seeking something to eat. “Your sisters… the eldest, she’s like your mother, no?”
“Yeah, nuna hovers. She reminds me of a mother,” He laughed. “So God kept giving me mothers until someone gave a shit about me?”
“I care about you, hyung.” His hand drifted, skimming over Jae’s forearm. He found Jaejoong’s hand on his side and tangled his fingers with the other man’s. “I meant what I said. I’m glad you were sent to be in my life. You make me want to be smarter… to learn more about the world and the heart. Until I met you, all I cared about was music and getting to the top but I didn’t really hear the words or felt the music as strongly in my soul. Knowing you… you’ve given me that. I loved music before I met you but now, it fills me until I feel like I will burst from it.”
“Then you know how I feel being around you,” Jaejoong said, bending his head slightly to brush his lips over Junsu’s mouth. “I think about you every day, Susu-ah, and it fills me. Without you, my world would be a continual night. Even during the darkest of storms, you are always there to warm me and light my way. You are my sun, Junsu-ah. My precious sun.”