Pairing: Yoosu (Jaeho)
Section Rating: R
Overall Rating: NC-17
i still hold ranalore responsible for this mess.
Synopsis: A continuation of the relationship between Yoochun and Junsu from So Much Mine. Once again, hot pretty boys, music, dancing and sex. Not necessarily in that order.
One; Two; Three; Four; Five; Six; Seven;
“I don’t think you have your head on straight, Hyukjae.” Yoochun’s hearty laugh boomed over the park, ripe with glee. “I don’t even know where to begin with… “
“I was teasing, Chun Chun.” The other singer winked, pulling himself to his feet and offering Yoochun a hand up. “Come on, let’s find someplace with something hot to drink…or something cold to drink that will numb our faces.”
“I should get home…” Yoochun replied, getting up. “But honestly, it’s nice being out. Even without Junsu. Sure, let’s go find some place we can get a beer or something.”
“Maybe you should call him and we can all go out.” Hyukjae said, walking beside the lanky singer, his pace a leisure stroll. Yoochun’s low chuckle made him smile. “Or not.”
“Junsu is who I need to get away from.” The baritone replied. “Not because… I just need some.. space. And that sounds so… old but I get so tight around him. Every time he moves against me, it’s hard to remember that it won’t go any further than he wants…no more…no less. I hate that.”
“Come on, I’ll take you to a club.” The singer waved off Yoochun’s suspicious glare. “No, just a regular club. I don’t think you’d be ready for two trips to Sin so close together. Of course I’ve got to say, watching you and Junsu dance… it made my night a hell of a lot nicer. It got Cheryl very… friendly.”
“Friendly?” Yoochun grunted, stepping onto the sidewalk, his mind wandering back to the memory of Junsu’s body pressed on his. “I like friendly.”
Yoochun lay awake at night, sometimes cradling the tenor in his arms, hearing Junsu’s breath catch as dreams flitted behind his closed eyes. On the nights Junsu lay in his own bed, Yoochun felt empty, his arms too light and his legs too cold, his shin missing Junsu’s ankle hooked over his calf muscle. He wanted friendly. He spent a few hours every day needing Junsu’s mouth on him, his memory a pale substitute. Yoochun’s hands often served to brush against his sex, hidden behind the wall of water in the shower, wondering if Junsu’s mouth would be as hot around him as when he dipped his tongue past the other’s sensual lips.
Micky didn’t hear the seductive moan that escaped from his mouth, a longing fueled by the hot desire Junsu left in his soul. Hyukjae did, and he pursed his lips, sighing at the lost possibility of having Yoochun nestled between him and Si-Won.
“Maybe you should try it his way?” Hyukjae suggested casually, seeing the tenderness bloom in Yoochun’s features. “See if you can love how he wants to be loved. Maybe you just need to get him out of your system?”
“Maybe…” Yoochun said. “I just don’t know if I could survive it.”
“Did you ever think that maybe he wouldn’t be able to survive it?” The SuJu singer replied. “I don’t want to watch both of you lose out on something that could be a fantastic experience.”
“Even if we lose one another in the process?” Yoochun asked, a cock of his head bringing his high cheekbones into the light streaming from a nearby street lamp.
“I’m not stupid, Yoochun.” Hyukjae smiled. “You and Junsu, you’re going to be together until you’re both dead. It won’t matter if you’re sharing a bed or not… that’s just sex. Junsu is your mate… in your soul, Chunnie. Your body is just some sack of water that needs drinking from but your soul… that’s what’s going to be screaming for Junsu for the rest of your life.”
Junsu stared down at the young man crumbled between the beds, Jaejoong’s knees pressed against Yoochun’s bed, his back wedged sideways and dimpling Junsu’s old comforter. Stars twinkled outside of the window, a light wind coming through an inch-wide span between the opened panes.
Jaejoong refused to weep, biting the inside of his cheek, hoping the pain would distract him. The gentle touch of fingers at the nape of his neck nearly made him jump, his anger a hard coal set afire by Changmin’s words then extinguished as Junsu’s chin rested on his shoulder. Leaning his head against Jaejoong’s temple, Junsu lay on his stomach, listening to the other breathe, a hitch of anguish snagging at the breath in Jae’s lungs.
“I didn’t…mean that you were…I don’t think you’re wicked or evil. I don’t Junsu… I just lost my..” Jaejoong reached up, cupping his hand over Junsu’s cheek. “I don’t know what I mean but I’m sorry, Junsu. Please forgive me.”
The ribbon of hurt wove through Jae’s voice, tremulous and husky. Junsu sighed heavily, his arm moving to cradle Jaejoong’s shoulder, pressing the singer against his chest as Junsu turned sideways. He lightly kissed at the bitter dewdrops frosting Jae’s lashes, the spill of tears so close to the brink of Jae’s control.
“I really didn’t do anything to encourage him, Joongie-ah.” The familiar nickname eased the swell of brusqueness between them, Junsu’s voice a soothing balm over the scrapes over Jae’s heart. “I’ll admit that I wasn’t… all that happy to push him away. Our Changmin is pretty… but…”
Junsu stopped, unsure of what he was trying to say. Something stopped him. Something inside of him that surfaced with Changmin’s mouth touched his. There had been people in the past who he loved… as a friend… and willingly he fell into their arms. Hyukjae was one of the first but scarcely one the last. Changmin would have been a welcome addition to that list of people he liked and then loved… but the stillness of his heart warred with the hardening of his body’s sex.
“He’s not in love with you, Junsu.” Jaejoong said, his heart poured over broken glass, his pain as jagged as his voice. “I didn’t want him to make… a mistake. I didn’t want you to be that mistake. It would break us apart and I couldn’t risk that. I just couldn’t, Junsu.”
“I look at Changmin and I see…” Jaejoong allowed himself to be pulled up into the Micky’s bed, Junsu lying against him, belly to belly. The tenor’s hands stroked the unshed tears free from their prison, Jaejoong’s sorrow and pain flowing into the whorls of Junsu’s palms.
“I’m not mad at you, Joongie-ah. There’s nothing to say you’re sorry for.” Junsu whispered, the heated air between them hot with Jaejoong’s.
“I wish Yoochun were here.” Jae’s fractured husky voice slammed into Junsu’s gut.
“Let me be Chunnie-ah for you.” The tenor cupped his friend’s face, sliding his hands down Jae’s neck and cradling the back of his head. “Talk to me, JaeJae-ah. What do you see when you look at Min?”
The eldest lay silent for a minute, nearly long enough for Junsu to wonder if he would ever see the gentleness behind the fierce persona Jae wrapped tight around his personality. The singer’s luminous eyes grew distant, a peeling back of the rigid pride he shielded his heart with and the soul Yoochun held dear emerged.
“When I look at Changmin, I see someone I wish I’d grown up being.” Jae’s words were heavy with the country dialect he’d been raised in. Head dipping down, he rubbed at his bruised cheek, the vanilla scent of his shampoo sweet in Junsu’s senses. “I made mistakes and I regret them… I regret them so much, Junsu.”
“What kind of mistakes, Joongie?” The young man pulled Jaejoong closer, afraid he would break apart the fragile bond he’d coaxed out from the feral singer if he lost contact. “You’ve accomplished so much…”
“No, Junnie-ah.” Jaejoong shook his head. “Not really. I’m here because I’m pretty and a fairly decent singer but it’s not because I’m a good musician like Yoochun or a focused dancer and singer like the three of you are. I’m just someone plastered in front of you because of how I look.”
“That’s not true, JaeJae.” Junsu refuted. “You struggled to get here but you deserve to be the best. That’s something we’re all committed to. Changmin looks up to you because of how strong you are. He’s always looked to you for guidance. Tonight was… Minnie-ah was just… frustrated and hurt. He really didn’t mean what he said.”
“What he said was true, Junnie-ah.” Jaejoong whispered. “What he said about those old men… he was right. And that’s why I didn’t want him to make those mistakes… I didn’t want him to give in to what his body wanted but his heart didn’t. I wanted his first time to be with someone who was in love with him. Not just someone who loved him. I wanted that for him.”
“Joongie…” Junsu stumbled over what Jaejoong said, his mind racing. “I thought you and Yunho were… each other’s first. You had that.. you still have that.”
“Yunho was the first one… I wanted to touch me but he wasn’t the first one that…”The young man kept his eyes down, his shame flushing his cheeks. Jaejoong steeled himself, forcing his mind to travel into memories he’d left behind him, intimate peelings of his heart laying raw for the other man to pick through. “Changmin is right. I am no better than a cheap whore.”
“When I worked at Trance, a lot of the waiters would… take money for favours. They would disappear for a few minutes with a customer, sometimes in the bathroom or in the back alley. But I never… I wanted more for myself. I wanted someone who would… have everything of me.” Jaejoong rubbed at his lower lip, his fingers trembling. A shuddering spasm ran through his torso, a disgust welling black from his gut. “I didn’t know… Yunho but I knew that… I hoped that someone like him was out there for me. I’d hoped that if I ever found him, I would be able to give him the only thing that I had…me.”
“Yunnie-ah has that, Jaejoong.” Junsu reassured the singer, stilling at Jae’s shake of his head, the black fringe around the young man’s pretty face a shivering curtain.
“I came to Yunho…dirty… with someone else’s hands on me. Like Changmin said, something got for a few won because I… didn’t say no hard enough or… maybe…” The slender young man wrapped his arms around Junsu’s waist, resting his cheek on Yoochun’s pillow, breathing deep the scent that was uniquely his best friend and the richness of the young tenor holding him.
“I went on a break and a man…one of the regulars… followed me into the back.” Jae remembered the dankness of the room, a foul memory stinking of cheap beer and the oily smear of makeup lingering in the air. “I didn’t think anything about it because a lot of the men went to the back to talk to the… women. I thought he was just heading to see one of them.”
“But he didn’t…” Junsu felt a wash of terror, a piercing metallic taste spreading up from his throat and over his gums. “Oh, Joongie…”
“He just wanted to… put his fingers inside of me.” Jaejoong’s hiccup roiled, a tragic sound in his chest. “I didn’t even see him when he came up behind me. I was wearing someone else’s pants, borrowed because mine were dirty and they were too loose. It was so easy for him… to wet his fingers and shove them inside of me. That’s all he wanted… to have himself inside of me while he rubbed up against the back of my body, holding me against the wall.”
“He didn’t even stop when I started crying or when I shouted for someone to help me.” Jae whispered. “He just kept moving and shoving harder. And no one came, Junnie, no one ever came to help me.”
“It hurt so much…and it seemed like it lasted forever but it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes and then, he yanked himself free.” Junsu tightened his hold on Jaejoong’s slender body, wishing he could somehow take the memory of another from the singer’s flesh. “I remember thinking… at least he didn’t use his…at least I still had that to give someone I loved. I could feel the wetness from his mouth between my legs and the… seed he’d left on the small of my back. Then… it began to hurt more, spreading until I couldn’t stop crying. He just stood there when I turned around… I couldn’t even stand up anymore, it hurt so much… but he just zipped up his pants and then threw money at my lap.”
“JaeJae…” Junsu felt a sorrow bleeding into his anger. “That isn’t…”
“I took the money, Junnie-ah.” Jae suddenly looked up, his amber brown eyes enormous in his pale face. “It was more than I made in tips for a whole month. He left the room and I sat there, crying… but I took his money…because… I was hungry. I was so tired of being hungry and cold…and alone.”
“I’ve never felt clean, not ever since that.” Jaejoong admitted. “Yunnie… he says that I’m being silly but I know better. I came to him… dirty… with someone else’s fingers on me. Every time he touches me, I keep thinking… ah, he will need to go wash that man off of his body… because he shouldn’t be… dirtied by me…by what I let happen to me. I feel like that man took a part of my soul that belongs only to Yunho and there’s no way I can get that back…there’s no way I can give him that…and that hurts so much more than what that man did to me.”
“I want Changmin to be able to go to someone he is in love with and have no regrets.” Jae whispered. “I don’t think you’re like that man in the club.. I don’t. But I know you’re not in love with him and I don’t want him to regret or resent giving you something that should have been someone else’s.”
“I want Minnie-ah to know that the first person who touches him is… worships him. Feels him inside and knows that he’s touching Changmin’s soul.” Jaejoong pressed his hands hard against the small of Junsu’s back, his tears dried hard on his face. “I want that for you too, Junsu. What you were doing was wrong… not because of what you were doing…but because neither of you feels that way about each other.”
“You aren’t…dirty, Jaejoong.” Junsu insisted, seeing the brittle soul exposed fully under his touch. “I know Yunho treasures you… and everything you’ve given him. You could have had a thousand lovers and he wouldn’t care. And yes, I would want that for Changmin. I shouldn’t be the…first one to touch him. But I wasn’t going to. I promise.”
“I touched him…and yes, I felt like I wanted more because God, Changmin feels so good and tastes so nice” Junsu grinned at Jaejoong’s sniffle. “I’m human, Joongie-ah, and I would be dead if I didn’t want Min, especially when he touched me like he did. But it didn’t feel right. Kissing Changmin was… like if I kissed you. I didn’t want Minnie-ah that way. Not like I…I’ve wanted other people.”
“You need a forever, Junsu.” Jaejoong replied, the cold air from the window pulling his skin into a ripple over his spine. “And thank you for forgiving me, Junnie-ah.”
“Like I said, nothing to forgive, Jae.” Junsu nodded. He’d hoped Changmin survived Yunho’s temper, the chilled anger in the leader’s face terrifying to face. Junsu suffered under the brunt of that anger, more than once but the raging protectiveness that blossomed around a damaged Jaejoong. “But please, listen to me, there isn’t a forever for me. That’s not going to happen. I have too much to do in my life. I can’t… give someone that part of me.”
“You need more than sex in your life. Everyone does.” Jaejoong sat up, staring down at the younger man. “You need to know how it feels when you’re lying in bed, listening to the rain while your…forever.. is whispering into your hair. You can’t hear everything he’s saying because you’re just falling asleep…his voice is like a song.. a lullaby that your heart knows. Sex can’t give you that. Nothing can.”
“I don’t need a soulmate for that, Joongie-ah.” Junsu sat up, resting on his elbows. “I have that with Yoochun. I can have sex with anyone… but forever, I have that with the four of you. I’ll always be able to have that with Chunnie-ah.”
“Susu-ah, you are stupid.” Jaejoong pushed at the other, nearly sending Junsu tumbling to the floor. Wiping at his face to clear the last of his sorrow, the singer shook his head, a bemused wonder transforming his face. “God, you and Yoochun are both so fucking stupid. What the hell is that if not love?”