Title: Tarnished Angels
Pairing: Min/Other (some jaeho and yoosu along the way)
Section Rating: R
Overall Rating: NC-17
Summary: Hot Korean boys. A seduction. An alluring. A temptation. And Min's self-discovery.
Sections: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Se7en, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven (Lemon)
Related Fics: So Much Mine and Lavender Bunny. Links go to PDFs. Other related fics can be found at my LJ: wedspawn
Changmin gently shut the front door, leaving off the lights as he made his way through the apartment. The other’s bedroom doors were closed, dark along the seams. He bit down on his lip when he hit his shin on the coffee table, nearly tumbling against the wide chair set at an angle from the couch. Hissing in annoyance, Min crept into his room, making very little sound other than breathing a sigh of relief when he crossed the threshold into safety.
“You’re late.” His nightlight flooded on and an amused Junsu half-lay on his bed, feet crossed over at the ankles and mouth pursed with disapproval. “And you have a small hickey on your neck.”
“Junsu!” Changmin shut the door behind him, shushing the older man. “What the hell are you doing in here? Waiting up for me?”
“Someone had to.” The tenor shrugged, pulling his feet up and patting the mattress. “Better me than Jaejoong, no?”
“Gods,” Min rolled his eyes. “No, I don’t want Joongie-ah waiting up for me. That would mean Yunho too.”
“Sit down, let me see your neck.”
“No!” Changmin scolded, slapping away Junsu’s hand as the other man made a grab for his leg when Min passed him. “Let me take a shower. And then I’ll talk to you.”
“Why do you need a shower?” Junsu sniffed at Min, earning himself another slap.
“Stay here.” Changmin ordered the older man. “Shut up and wait until I get back.”
The bathroom was a quiet retreat away from the weighted discussion Min knew he was going to have with Junsu. At the moment, he just wanted to lean against the tiled walls and relive the evening spent with Se7en. His body was still tender, nearly too sensitive to touch and he willed his fingers to run a soaped washcloth gently around his flaccid form, breathing in sharply at the tingled warning his nerves shot off when he rubbed a bit too hard.
He’d spent more than a few times with his hands before but never to the peak that Se7en seemed to push him to. Those few moments seemed to be a distant haze, rolled over flat by the overwhelming expulsion of his pleasure. Just remembering the warmth of Se7en’s mouth and hands made him twitch, the tender knob jerking in response to his rambling thoughts.
Focus, Min scolded himself. What are you trying to do to yourself? Self-control, remember that? I was going to be self-controlled about this.
Who was he kidding? His self-control ended the moment Se7en claimed a kiss from his butter-drenched mouth.
“What the hell am I doing?” He said aloud. “Se7en’s just... fooling around. He can’t be serious about this. He can’t stay interested in someone like me. I didn’t even do anything for him.”
“Shit, he was interested in Jaejoong. I can’t compete with someone like Jae. Hell, I can’t even compete with Yoochun. And he’s goofy looking.” Biting back his worries, Min sat down on the shower shelf, letting the water beat down on his hunched over shoulders. Shanks of his hair covered his face, clinging to his neck and falling forward while he stared down at the water swirling down the drain.
“Damn it.” Changmin rubbed at his face, pressing at his eye lids and sighed. “What the hell?”
“Se7en? Do I believe him when he tells me that I’m worth something?” Min asked the flowing water. It remained as mute as the gremlins in the back of his head. Even his insanities had abandoned him. “I didn’t used to be like this. I never doubted myself before the group. Is being around the others making me less of who I am?”
No, stupid. A whispering slither of a voice echoed in the recesses of his mind. You’re making yourself less than you are.
Ah, Min sighed, it’s good to know that my madness is still there to tell me I’m an idiot.
So what then? I keep comparing myself to them. I look at who I am and say, I’m just not good enough. Min sat back, thinking of the other members of the group.
I’m not Yunho. He’s strong and arrogant. People look at him and they see someone who’s self-confident and masculine. But he’s goofy sometimes too. He never questions what he’s doing once he’s made up his mind. Yunnie-ah pushes ahead and just does where I have to sit and rethink things over and over.
Jaejoong. Min sighed. God, he’s like my brother. And I can never understand why people flock to him and he hides away. I used to think he was so cold, too distant because of the walls he has and then suddenly when I’m crying, he’s the one who feels for me the most. Why do I keep looking at him and seeing what I want to be like in others’ eyes? Sometimes it would be nice to be that alluring and that distant. When I try to be mysterious, people think I’m sullen. I definitely can’t pull off enigmatic.
Junsu and Yoochun were the same coin but different sides. Junsu is silly and focused. And Yoochun is unfocused and emotional. But they’re so much alike. I can’t be as charismatic as Junsu. I try but I don’t fit into the cute mold. I don’t know why I even try. I can’t compete there either.
And no one can compete with Yoochun for the overwrought, playful goofball. He doesn’t think. He just acts. And everything just falls into place for him. I have to think everything through or it all blows up in my face.
“And now you’re sitting in a shower stall in Japan with a hickey on your neck while one of your group members is waiting on your bed for you to come in and tell him how a date was.” Changmin puffed out his cheeks and sighed. “How crazy has my life gotten?”
“You like Se7en, Shim.” Changmin admonished himself. “He’s funny and sweet. He listens to me and asks questions. He admits when he doesn’t know something and…”
“And he makes me feel like I’m the only one that matters when I’m around him.” Min whispered. “Is that so wrong to want? Even if it’s not a forever thing like Jaejoong and Yunho, can’t I have that feeling for just a while? I know it’s going to hurt when he gets tired of me. I know that. And I don’t believe him when Se7en says that he’ll be my friend afterwards. Men lie. Hell, I lie.”
“Am I lying when I say I don’t want to fall in love?”
Junsu watched Min’s face when the younger man came back into the bedroom. Changmin’s eyes were reddened as if from crying. Sitting up, Junsu pulled Min down beside him, laying the youngest onto the mattress.
“Did he make you cry?” The tenor asked roughly, all hints of the cute goofy shredded from his voice. “I’ll fucking kill him.”
“You really have to stop swearing.” Changmin hiccupped. “No, Se7en didn’t make me cry.”
“No, no, no!” Junsu shook his head. “Not his name. We’re never saying his name. It’s like a curse.”
“I’m not going to keep calling Dong-Wook him just because you don’t want to say his name. Get over it.”
“Why are you crying then?”
“I’m crying because I’m an idiot.” Changmin slid up his bed until his head rested on the pillow. Junsu lay down next to him, wiping at the younger man’s lashes.
“Shit, you are falling in love with him. I knew it.”
“I’m going to hit you.” Min warned. “No, I don’t think I’m falling in love. I think I have to learn to like myself first.”
If he hadn’t been fighting the hiccups, Min was certain he would have choked after seeing the confused look on Junsu’s face.
“I can’t fall in love, Susu-ah.” Changmin said. “I don’t love myself. Hell, I don’t even like myself.”
“You don’t make any sense.” Junsu worried at Min’s words until he came back to his initial conclusion. “No, how can you not like yourself? You’re the best one of us. Okay, maybe after Yunho but still.”
It was Changmin’s turn to regard Junsu as if he’d grown a second nose on his face. “What are you talking about?”
“You’re always the smart one. You make the rest of us feel like we’re stupid. And you’re cute.” Junsu snorted. “If you danced better, I’d have to smother you in your sleep. Thank God you’re as clumsy as Jaejoong.”
“Hey, I’m not that bad.” Changmin stuck out his tongue. “Okay, maybe just a little bit but I’m still better than Jaejoong.”
“People always ask you questions if they want a good answer. And you get picked to speak for the group if we’re introducing something.” Junsu pointed out. “And no one wants you to be anything other than you. Everyone keeps looking at the four of us like if they scratch at us just right, they’re going to find some sort of treasure underneath. People see you and are happy with who you are.”
“I don’t know who I am.” Min admitted. “Sometimes I feel like I’m just someone stuck in between Jaejoong and Yunho so they don’t jump on top of each other during interviews.”
“Please, if anyone is going to jump on each other,” Junsu scoffed. “It would be me and Yoochun.”
“Can we not talk about you and Yoochun jumping each other?” Shuddering, Changmin replied. “I heard Jaejoong yelling at you this morning for something. I’m afraid to sit on things around here sometimes. And I hate sharing a bathroom with the two of you.”
“He yelled at me for leaving a cup on the table.” The older man protested. “You’ve got a dirty mind.”
“Probably to go with that hickey you have on your neck,” Junsu said slyly, lightly touching at the purpled mark. “If one of the hyungs see it, you’re going to have think fast.”
“I know.” Min frowned. “My hair is long enough. I can hide it for a couple of days. It should fade by then. We don’t have to do anything until Saturday. I’ll be safe until then.”
“Do you have to practice any routines?” Junsu quirked his mouth, trying to recall their schedule. “You always pull your hair back for that. That would be the last thing you’d want.”
“No, that’s just for you, Yoochun and Yunho.” Min said. “We clumsy members don’t have to be there. We’re to stay in the back with the other dancers to make you look good.”
“Then you’ll be fine.” Junsu studied the bruise. “It’s not that big. Why isn’t it bigger? Did you stop him? Did he want to stop?”
“First you’re upset because I have one and now you’re complaining because it’s not big enough? Min gaped at the other man, incredulous at Junsu’s prodding. “Aren’t you ever satisfied?”
“No,” The other teased, wiggling his eyebrows. “That’s why I’m up and Yoochun’s fallen asleep from exhaustion.”
“Aish, you’re horrible.”
“Answer the question.” Junsu poked the youngest in the ribs. “Did you not like him chewing on you?”
“I liked it.” Min flushed, brilliant red against his pale cream linens. “He…um… went to chew on somewhere else.”
“Minnie-ah!” Junsu crowed loudly, hushing only when Changmin’s hands flew up to cover his mouth. “So, you aren’t…?”
“I don’t want to talk about all of it.” Min shook his head. “But no, we didn’t do everything. But I wanted to. It’s too private. And you’ll make fun of me.”
“I won’t.” Junsu promised, crossing his heart with his finger. “Was it nice? Did you return the favour?”
“I did want to. He made me feel like everything inside of me wanted to be wrapped around him. Or him wrapped around me. I’m not too sure.” Changmin nodded. “But I was late as it was and he said that it could wait. He wanted me to feel like I was the center of the evening.”
“Shit, that’s smooth.” Junsu narrowed his eyes. “I don’t trust him.”
“He gave me pleasure and wants to take things slow between us and you don’t trust him?” The younger singer sighed heavily. “You really aren’t ever satisfied.”
“Why kind of guy passes up something for himself?”
“Oh, I don’t know… someone nice?” Min cocked his head, wrinkling his nose. “Se7en’s nice. He talks to me. And listens. You have no idea how nice it is to have someone listen.”
“We listen to you.” The tenor protested.
“I have to yell to be heard above the four of you.” Changmin replied. “Most of the time, I don’t bother. I don’t have anything important to say. It’s just nice to sit and talk to someone who is quiet and actually pays attention to what I’m saying. I don’t have to fight other voices for attention. I like that.”
“I could pay attention to you, if you wanted.” Junsu said softly.
“Junnie-ah, I love you. I do.” Min patted his friend on the shoulder. “But I’m not who you pay attention to. And that’s okay.”
“I guess I don’t like the idea that you’re going to Se7en for attention.” Junsu admitted, his voice soft with emotion. “It’s like you have to go outside of the group for something and it feels wrong.”
“I’d have to go outside of the group anyway. Regardless if it is Se7en or someone else.” Changmin reminded his friend. “There are five of us. You have Chunnie-ah. There’s no one else in the world for Jaejoong and Yunho. There isn’t room in your relationships or hearts for me and I don’t want any of you that way. I’m not going to find someone to give me hickeys in the group. Well, not and be normal.”
“I like being normal, Junsu.” Min laughed at Junsu’s sour face. “I like being on stage and performing but when it’s all over, I like just stepping back and being able to go shopping for a book or listen to a concert on the lawn. Tonight I went to a carnival with Se7en and it was just so nice to walk around and do stupid, simple things. He won me a kumiho. Sorry, kitsune here.”
“What, you bring a fox into our house?” Junsu acted outraged. “You’d best keep him from our bunny.”
“He’s a good fox.” Min reached over Junsu’s body and dug the toy out of his jacket pocket. Holding up the plushie for Junsu to see, he wiggled the fox’s tails over the other’s nose. “They’re supposed to be wise. I’ll have to look up the legends. I’m sure he’ll behave.”
“It’s nice.” Junsu took the kitsune, stroking down the fur on its nose. “And he won this? How?”
“Throwing baseballs at bowling pins to knock them over.” Changmin accepted the kitsune back. “And I felt like a little kid. It’s so stupid and boys shouldn’t feel like they’re turning into porridge when someone wins them a toy. But I did.”
“I felt like that when Yoochun told me to pick out the toy I wanted.” Nodding, Junsu smiled, a soft gentle sweep of his mouth over his face. “And he told me that I should have picked out the prettiest one, not the goofiest looking one. I told him that it was supposed to remind me of him so that’s why I picked out the bunny, because it was silly.”
“Truth is,” He continued. “I picked it out because it looked like it didn’t fit with the others and it was lonely. Like Yoochun looked when we first met him. I wanted to take that look off of Chunnie’s face when I saw him. I still do whenever he gets lonely. The bunny too.”
“It doesn’t look lonely to me.” Min said, pressing his forehead against Junsu’s. “It looks very happy. So does Yoochun. You’ve made them both happy.”
Junsu’s reply was lost under the chirp of Changmin’s phone. Grinning, the tenor flattened himself against the bed so Min could reach over him to retrieve the cell. Flipping it open to answer the ring, Min shoved at Junsu’s shoulder, sending the older man further along the bed.
“Hold on,” Min said into the receiver. Pointing to the door, he motioned at it for Junsu. “Get out.”
“I want to stay and listen.” Junsu said, making kissing noises with his mouth. “I might learn something.”
“Out, Junnie-ah.” Changmin laughed. “I’ve seen the magazines you have hidden in your room, remember? You don’t need me to teach you anything.”
“Fine.” The older man slid off the bed, making a great show of trudging to the door. Sighing as he entered the hallway, Junsu shut the door behind him, shuffling down to the hall to his room and sleeping lover.
“Hey.” Changmin said into the phone, reaching up to turn off the lamp on the night stand. Lit only by the ambient glow of the cell’s screen, the room turned into a soft cocoon, a blanket of shadows tucked around Min’s long body.
“Hey yourself, Minku.” Se7en replied.
He still purrs, Min said to himself. Every time he says my name, it feels like a purr.
When did Minku become my name? The gremlin grumbled, affronted at the diminutive. Shim Changmin. Or just Changmin. Even Min.
Shut up. It’s nice, Changmin shushed the reptilian voice. “I’m worried about thinking that your voice purrs when you say my name.”
“Do you realize that you said that aloud, Minku?” Se7en laughed, a rumbling chuckle.
“No. Shit.” Min swore again, rubbing at his forehead. “You’re making me red again. Stop it.”
“I like it when you blush. If my hands are on you, I can feel the heat under my fingers when the pink runs under your skin.” The other man murmured. Shifting against his pillows, Se7en closed his eyes, imaging the lean stretch Min’s bones and muscles on a bed at the other end of the district. “Did you already take a shower?”
“Yes.” Swallowing, Min rubbed at his mouth, still feeling the bite of Se7en’s teeth along his upper lip. “Now I’m sorry I did. I feel like I washed you away.”
“It’s okay. You can’t wash me away that easily, Min.” Se7en reassured him, a soft gentle whisper in Min’s ear. “We’ll do that again sometime soon and fall asleep smelling like each other. It’s a nice way to wake up.”
“Sounds horrid.” Changmin protested as Se7en laughed at him. “Hey, I don’t like being smelly. I take a shower as soon as I get off stage.”
“Sometimes, Minku,” The other man said. “Being sweaty is nice. Getting sweaty is even better.”
“Did you have fun tonight?” Se7en listened carefully to Min’s breathing. The younger man’s sigh was heavy, something weighting down his already serious minded thoughts. “You’re not regretting tonight, are you?”
“Yes, you made me feel like I was on fire. And no, I’m not regretting tonight but I might be regretting tomorrow.” Changmin replied. “I feel like I’m clinging when I tell you how I feel but then I feel like I’m not giving you enough credit if I don’t talk to you about it.”
“Talk to me, baby.” Dong-Wook said into the phone, cradling it against his cheek. “I don’t think you’re clinging to me. You’re trying out new and different things with me. If you don’t ask questions or tell me how you feel, how am I suppose to know what’s making you feel good or uncomfortable?”
“Because it’s like you read my mind?” Changmin snorted. “I swear I have to check my forehead to see if what I’m thinking is written there.”
“Just when you blush.” Se7en replied. “And you do that very prettily. I like it. What do you feel uncomfortable about? Anything you did tonight?”
“No,” Min said, dropping his voice down. “I liked what we did tonight. A lot.”
“I’m worried that I’m attaching too much to you, looking to you for things when I should look to myself for them.” Changmin continued. “I told Junsu tonight that I couldn’t fall in love because I realized when I was in the shower that I don’t think I even like me. I keep looking at everyone else and seeing pieces of who I want to be instead of looking at myself and saying, I should be happy with who I am.”
“Baby, do you even know who you are?” Se7en asked. “I think who you see are only the things you want to change and not any of the things that make you special. I like the Changmin I know. I wish you’d get to know him too.”
“Blech. He’s a brat.” Min replied. “I feel like I’m whining. I hate whining. I hate it when Yoochun does it and I want to smack Junsu across the back of the head when he does it. I don’t want to hear me doing it to.”
“You’re not whining.” Se7en couldn’t help but smile. Did he have as much angst as the so-serious young man he’d grown fond of? Returning to the conversation, Se7en said. “You’re at a point in your life when you’re going to question things. Hell, Minku, I’m surprised you’re doing this now. You’ve done everything else so damned early.”
“That’s my baby. You’ve even started scolding me.” Se7en teased. “I’m serious. Look at what you’ve done. And how young you are. You don’t think that it’s normal for you to start asking questions about where you want to go and who you want to be?”
“Did you?” Min asked. “Question, I mean.”
“Yeah, baby. I did. I still do.” Se7en said. “That’s not going to go away. Did you think that once you turned eighteen you were somehow going to get all the answers?”
“No,” Changmin snorted then thought on it. “Yes. Somehow, I guess. I don’t know.”
“None of us have any answers, Minku. We just all go forward and hope for the best.” Se7en thought about how cocky he’d been at Changmin’s age, stretching himself too thin until he nearly snapped apart. “Some, like you, explore the world around them or dig inside of themselves looking for answers. You’ll be farther ahead of the rest of us idiots who run around trying to be cool or the best at something trivial and when we find out how empty that all is, we turn around and start crying about how we wasted our lives.”
“Took me a long time to figure out that no one was going to hand me the world and if I wanted anything from it, I’d have to reach for it.” The older man said. “And that I couldn’t be an asshole. I had to treat other people with respect and remember that I wasn’t the centre of the universe. You already know all of those things. So see, baby, you’re much farther ahead of the rest of us.”
“I don’t feel farther ahead.” Changmin buried his face in his pillow, trying to stave off the rush of heat in his body. “Tonight, I felt like I was…”
“No, stupid for not knowing what to do.” Min admitted. “Or how to make you feel like you made me feel.”
“You can learn that, Minku.” Se7en assured his lover. “The hardest thing is remembering that you can’t be thinking only about yourself. You have to think about your partner first. And to find someone who thinks about you. I don’t mind waiting, baby. I like seeing you open up and bloom underneath me. It’s an incredible feeling knowing that I’m the first one to bring those noises out of your mouth or to give you those sensations across your body. That’s a pretty big thing for me. And I want it to be very good for you.”
“You don’t mind,” Min sighed. “Doing this with me.”
“I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather have with you, baby.” Se7en said.
“What if I fall in love with you?” Changmin asked, a soft trembling whisper. “What if I do that because I can’t stop myself? Then what?”
“I don’t know.” Se7en admitted. “But neither one of us have answers for how we’re going to feel. We like one another. We enjoy each other’s company. Hell, sometimes I’m doing something and I think; Ah, I’ve got to tell Minku about this.”
“I do that all the time with the other members.” Changmin laughed. “Or I’ll see something that I have to buy because it reminds me of them. Like the kitsune reminded me of you.”
“I’ve never had that, Minku.” Se7en explained. “You’re the first person I’ve wanted to tell you about the stupid little things in my life. Or wanted to win a seven-tailed fox because it reminded him of me. So, Minku, you and I are in the same boat. Are we becoming as close as you are to the other members of your group or are we going someplace that we’ll both either regret or be happy about?”
“I don’t know.” Min replied, his heart beating in his chest. He was suddenly afraid, staring at a misty emptiness in front of him.
“Neither do I, baby.” Se7en murmured. “Honestly, I don’t really care if it’s one or the other. You and I…we’ll work this out for us, between us. I can promise you that I’ll be here even after we might drift away or you learn all you want to learn from me and find someone else you want to taste.”
“I just need you to promise to take a good look at who you are and accept that you’re someone I like spending time with. Not just kissing and licking, although those are nice too.” The other man pressed, his words sliding into Changmin’s mind. “No matter what happens, promise me that, baby. Or at least promise to try.”
Changmin’s eyes watered, his throat closing up around the tears that threatened to spill hot on his face. Se7en’s whispers gave him as much pleasure as his mouth had earlier, an anchor he clung to when the world got too turbulent.
“You there, Minku?”
“Yeah,” Min sniffed, smiling at the concern in Se7en’s voice. “And yeah, I promise.”
“Good.” Se7en said, satisfied at the strength he heard on the other side of the line. “Now, I’ve got to lie here awake thinking about you and you need your beauty sleep so I can lust after you tomorrow.”
“You’re silly.” Changmin rubbed at his nose, wiping at his face.
“You keep saying that.” The other man replied. “Must be true. Good night, Minku. I’ll call you tomorrow, well, later today. Maybe we can do something if you can get away from your surrogate parents.”
“I’ll have to check.” Min said. “And before I say goodnight, I have to tell you, you left a hickey on me. I’m going to have a hard time hiding it.”
“Ah, who else is looking at your thighs beside me?” Se7en laughed heartily at Min’s gasp of surprise. “Yeah, why don’t you go looking, honey. I’m going to bed. That one on your neck? It’s nothing compared to what else I left behind.”