This will be at the end of Tarnished Angels. I wanted to include a few of their letters.
You’re asleep right now. I don’t know when you are going to find this but right now, you’re asleep next to me. We’ve just spent the night making love for the first time and then well, you needed a little help sleeping so of course, I was more than happy to spend a few minutes working the edge off of you.
I’m sitting here with the taste of you and chocolate mochi ice cream in my mouth, watching you sleep. You look so peaceful, and God, so fucking sexy. I just want to crawl over you and have you again.
But I can’t. Because I know it would hurt you. And baby, that’s the last thing that I want to do. I never ever want to hurt you.
I can’t say that I won’t. I’m an asshole. I know that. You know that. Hell, most of the world knows that but you do make me better than I am. I don’t know if I’ve told you that, but you do.
Before I woke us both up (and I have no regrets for doing that because I got to hear those little kitten noises that you make in your throat when I have you in my mouth), I actually had a dream.
I can’t tell you the last time that I fell asleep and I had a dream. You know I don’t sleep a lot. And I’ve lost the ability to carry my mind off to somewhere else a long time ago. I think your love for me gave my mind just the smallest taste of flight and it felt so damned good.
This dream of mine was kind of weird, mostly it was me sitting at a table. I’m not even sure where I was but it was a nice table and there were people walking by. Gorgeous laughing people and I looked at them and I knew who they were. Not everything but just tidbits that made me smile. Someone came by and served me a glass of wine and when I turned, I could feel you nearby. I couldn’t see you but I could feel you. I knew then that I was waiting for you. Somehow I knew that somewhere you were there and you were heading towards me.
When I woke up, you were there beside me, your eyes closed and your face so beautiful in the evening light. I hated waking you. But I hated not having your kiss even more.
I’m going to be stuck in Korea for a couple of days. And since I don’t know when you’re getting this, because you have entire countries lost someplace in that backpack of yours, I wanted to tell you that I love you. I loved you the moment I turned and saw that gorgeous face against the Seoul skyline, even though I tried to tell myself that it was only going to be sex.
And then I fell in love with you when you blushed under my kiss. How the fuck was I supposed to know that your beautiful face would be my downfall? That mouth, God fucking damn that mouth. I want to drink wine from your mouth. To eat food from you. Every thing that I’ve ever stolen from your lips has tasted like Heaven.
You’re my angel, Minku. No matter what happens in the world and around us, you are my angel. I wish I could be yours but I think my wings are tarnished nearly black from my sinning and rusted shut. I hope that I don’t rub any of it off on you. If anything, you’ve made me think I could fly again, even as chained down to the ground as I am, you make me feel like I can soar.
Just from your touch. Just from your mouth. And certainly from your smile.
Get some sleep, baby. Please. I intend to keep you up for a very long time when I get back.
I know you’re busy but I wanted to drop you a note so you knew that someone was missing you. Because I do miss you, although you know what it’s like to work all the time. We have hardly any time to ourselves and even to think. Sometimes I swear I have just left the dance studio and then I’m turned around and back in it again.
It probably would be better if I was a better dancer but I’m not. It’s not that I don’t try. I do. Some things are hard to keep track of… like my feet. Yunho said that it’s because I’m still growing and that my body is either still adjusting to where I was or trying to adjust to where I’m going. Joongie-ah says that I’m just distracted because there are places my body and mind would rather be.
I’d have to agree with him. My body and mind would rather be with you.
God, do you know how hard that is to write? You’re a distraction when you’re in Japan and one outside of it. I can’t win. But I think I am winning because you are my distraction.
And don’t tease. You know how embarrassed I get. Just say thank you and that you know I’m being complimentary. Which I am. Mostly.
Our schedule has been crazy. We’re doing interviews and photo shoots nearly every day as we prepare for the album to come out. It’s kind of scary. I don’t know why but it is different than when we’re at home. I guess I expect people to forgive us our mistakes more at home. Here I feel like if I make a mistake, I’m letting down so many people. It makes me want to try that much harder until I just want to sit in the corner and cry.
Don’t tell anyone that I cry. Or want to cry. Or that I admit it. But sometimes I want to. Not because I’m sad but because it’s so overwhelming that it’s the only release I feel like I have. It’s that or screaming and that would be a strain on my voice. I don’t want to ruin or crack my voice because I can’t handle pressure.
Why am I bothering you with this? I should talk to you about how much I miss you and what I’ve done since I’ve seen you last.
Okay, what is exciting that I can talk to you about? Ah, I had sea cucumber the other day. We were on a show and I had to taste it. It was horrid but none of us can say that. Well, Yoochun can say things like that because somehow people forgive him when he’s rude. I have to figure out how that works because there are times when I really want to be rude but I feel obligated to be nice.
Sea cucumber is one of those things that I’d rather be rude on.
I’m going to host the radio shows a lot. They were talking about how we were doing with our Japanese and my name came up as one of the more solid speakers in the group. I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. Mostly because I think I still see myself as someone standing behind Yunho and Jaejoong. The hyungs have reminded me that no, I am standing besides them. That I have to remember that.
I shall remember that. I know I hear your voice whispering into my ear that I am standing there. Thank you for that. Over the sea I can hear you.
I miss you so much. I know we talk on the phone but what I miss the most is just sitting next to you and doing things while you’re working or just sitting someplace and eating ice cream and watching people. I miss watching people with you. I miss your stories about them. They’re so much more interesting than mine. I like that your stories have fantastical elements in them. Although the one about the man being possessed by plastic play dinosaurs nearly killed me when I choked on that ice cube. So please, don’t try to kill me again. It will be a hard thing to explain when you return my body to SM.
This is getting long and I should wrap it up, especially since I’m going to have to go to rehearsal soon. Again. Still. Because we do live to sing. And I am sincere about that. I love doing it. I love the feeling it gives me. Those goose bumps when things are just right between the five of us.
I miss you giving me goose bumps too.
Please eat. Drink water. And if you have time, think of me.
Love and Peace,
Hello my Minku,
I’m not sure what time it is. Hell, I’m not sure what day it is. I’ve said that before. It’s still true. I only know that I got your letter this afternoon and in the middle of possibly one of the crappiest days I’ve had in a long time, suddenly the world tilted upright and there was sunshine and birds singing.
No really, I heard some birds. I could have sworn it.
Right now, it’s about three in the morning and I’ve been home for about half an hour. I’m sure I have to be someplace in a couple of hours and I’m thinking that maybe I should just not sleep and stumble in half-dead. That would show them, wouldn’t it?
Can’t you tell that I’m dead tired? I’m not even making any sense.
My apartment is empty without you. I’m sitting here in the living room, laying back on the couch with a cold beer and watching the rain hit the floor of the balcony. If I look hard enough, I can see the memory of you caught in time against the mists of the rain. I can barely make out the city behind the water. All I can see in it is your face and that expression you had on it when I first approached you.
No, not that disgusted look you gave me. The first one, that dreaming, stare off into the night look. The one that makes me wish I could see the world through your eyes.
Don’t deny being slightly disgusted at being interrupted from your thoughts. I know you well enough to say that now. I wondered what you were thinking then. And if you just wanted to peel yourself out of the party and head back to your own world.
Had I been smart, I would have told you some lie about a great coffee shop that we could go to and talk about music or books. Not that going there to talk would have been a lie but rather the great coffee shop because I honestly don’t know one that is particularly great.
How can my apartment be empty without you when you’ve only been here that one time? And not even long enough for me to have you pressed up against the wall for a kiss?
I’ll remedy that. Just so you know. We’ll be taking care of that soon.
God I fucking miss you so damned much. This far away shit is sometimes just too much. I know that we don’t see one another for days but this is different. I’m not sure why. Possibly because we were together that night as one and my body misses your warmth, my heart misses having your breath on my chest. I know my soul misses your laughter and shyness. I know I miss your stories.
You’ll have to tell me one in your next letter. Something to help me sleep. A letter that I can fold over and over again and leave in my wallet.
I’m so damned tired right now. I can feel just everything hanging so heavy on me and I feel like I should be ashamed at how worn out I am. People have jobs because of me. I am responsible for people’s lives. I try to tell myself that being Se7en really is my responsibility and that if it wasn’t me here doing these things, then it would be someone else. I think I remember that the most when I’m standing on stage and I can hear the fans just off the edge of the lights, screaming my name. It’s then when I realize that I don’t belong to just me. I belong to them too.
That’s when I’m ashamed for thinking that I’m tired. When I remember the sounds of those voices, that’s when I tell myself to go harder and be better. I feel guilty for resting then.
I refuse to feel guilty for missing you.
You are such a big part of my life. My friend. My lover. A slice of heaven and peace that I draw on when I need strength. Just the thought of you makes me stronger.
I sing to you, Minku. When I’m in the studio, it’s your face that I see. And there are some lyrics that I think, God this is how I’d feel if Minku turned his back on me and I get angry and spit those words out.
So I should apologize to you for the things that I’ve said at your image in my mind. Would it make you feel better if I told you I’ve also whispered how much I’ve loved you and want to feel you on my body? Because I’ve sung those things too, baby.
Actually, I think I’ve sung those things more because there was a moment in the studio today when I started to sing about starting to fall in love and I had to stop because I heard your voice whispering into my soul and the cries you made against my throat when we made love.
It was so much in my head. Everything was just as sharp as that night when you were against me and all of a sudden the room around me became like a memory and the thought of you was the reality.
God, how many times can I tell you that I miss you? How can I tell you how much I hurt inside because there’s a piece of me that I left with you? How the hell do I survive the day without hearing your voice? Because missing your phone calls kill me. I hate checking my phone to find a voice mail from you and know that I can’t call you back because you’re as busy as I am.
Thank you for calling me today and singing to me. That just, fuck, that minute was so special. And it was everything I could do not to just stand there and listen to it over and over again. I listened to it when I read your letter.
Don’t I sound like some sort of lovesick Min-fan? I’m okay with that. I plan on stalking you when I get home. Because home is where I can find you to touch you. I’ve discovered that.
I’m going to send a few things with this letter. Small things that I think would make you happy.
One of them is a beanie I’ve been wearing lately. I thought I’d share it with you because well, I like the thought of something I had on my body on yours. If I could send a bite on your neck through the mail, I would.
Another is a notebook I found in a store. It reminded me of you. The poetry on the top of each page is about goals and ambitions and struggles to be true to yourself. That’s the thing I want for you most, Minku. I want you to look back on your life and say, I lived as I believed and felt.
Because, baby, that is the person is I love.
I’m going to sleep now. Well, sleep has come for me and is going to kick my ass if I don’t listen to it.
I’ll tell you again that I miss you. Still. More even than when I started this letter because I can still see you on the balcony in my mind’s eye. It is like you are here but I cannot touch you.
At least in my dreams, I can feel you under my hands. So sleep is a very welcome thing right now.
Love you. Sing your guts out and make me proud.
Hello Shichi baby,
That’s hard to write without be embarrassed. I felt my face heat up when I wrote it. Isn’t that silly? We have the afternoon off and I thought; Ah, I should see what Dong-Wook is doing but then I remembered that you’re away.
It started raining a little bit afterward, taking away the sunshine. I’m glad the sky feels as sad as I do that you’re not here.
The apartment is empty. All of the others are gone and it’s quiet, which is very rare for this place. I never realized how loud we were until I was with you in your apartment. The silence was peaceful.
Here, the silence is deafening.
I sound like a lovesick cow. I’ve fallen in love with a tree that I can only reach some of the time when I’m herded into the same pasture that it grows in. I miss its shade and its peaceful feeling when the wind brushes through its leaves.
I miss the coolness of your shade on the heat of my body.
I miss hearing the whispers of clouds in your voice.
Mostly, I miss having you nearby to talk to. I think I like touching you when we talk, even if it’s just our hands or our shoulders. It’s like I can feel the world under you, holding us both up.
Without you to touch, I feel like I am falling into a nothingness underneath me.
Your voice every night is a rope that I can grab onto. The memory of your voice is the wind holding me up so I don’t fall too quickly.
I wish you would come back soon so I can have the world underneath me again and my footing would be surer.
I just wish you would come back so I can touch you when we talk.
I just wish you would come back so I can touch you.
I just wish you would come back.
. . .
I can’t write any more. It’s too quiet here and suddenly I am alone in my heart.
I shouldn’t say that. I know that you’re there. I know the hyungs are there. I just am feeling sorry for myself and being maudlin. I should stop being maudlin!
The beanie is huge! You have a big head! Aish, must be that ego, Iro. Your head needs room for that ego and brain of yours. I have to fold it up a few times for it to fit. Jaejoong told me that I was wearing it wrong and unfolded it once and pulled it down over my eyebrows.
I felt silly until I found the sunglasses you left in my backpack. Well, the sunglasses that were lost in my backpack and we couldn’t find. I found them. After I put them on, everything seemed right.
I even sang a few bars of Crazy for Jaejoong. I made him laugh because I couldn’t hold the notes without giggling. It’s hard to pretend to be you.
Even harder to pretend not to be with you.
Ah, maudlin again. I will shove that back down where it belongs.
What else to tell you?
Oh! Junsu did something that reminded me of you. He made rice the other night and forgot to put water in the pot before he turned it on. The rice cooked and then turned black on the bottom. I had to laugh because it reminded me of the pot that sacrificed itself for our dinner. Then I remembered, I did that. Not you.
But now, you are forever linked to burnt rice in my mind.
We ate out. The house smelled. It needed airing out and the taste of the food was ruined by the scorch smell.
I went to the Ueno Zoo the other day. We were doing a small meet and greet with some other musicians. It was very busy and there were so many people. So I snuck off and went to see the fennec foxes. They were near by at the entrance and where we were eating lunch. I skipped most of lunch to see the foxes.
They have such big ears! And goofy smiles. You are definitely a fennec fox. You even look like a byakko. Okay, so your ears aren’t that big. But maybe that is what you are hiding behind this beanie. Your ears!
I can feel myself getting sad again. So I’m going to end this letter and send it off. I don’t want your thoughts of me to be of sadness. I want you to think of how much laughter you give me. Because your silly faces keep my spirits lifted.
I have the pictures you sent me still on my camera. If you continue to squish your nose against the lens, it’s going to stick that way. I should warn you about that. My mother used to say that to me.
I miss you. I love you.
Hurry home. The spot besides me is empty.
Hello my Minku,
I’m glad you found my sunglasses. Those were one of my favourite pairs. Even more so now that I know you’re wearing them.
You owe me a story about people you see. You didn’t tell me one in your last letter. Not that I missed it as much as I missed you. I swear I could feel one of your kisses on the paper.
I don’t know if I see you as a lovesick cow. But I like being a tree. Ah, look how strong and stately I am. Unless of course I’m a bonsai in which case I am a midget sitting on your desk begging for drops of mist. Be sure to mist me, baby. I can’t think of a better water for my parched roots than the moisture from your mouth.
And if that sounds dirty, then I know I’ve got it right.
Do you remember when we walked down by the river that one afternoon and we had to duck under a bridge? I leaned over to kiss you and there were people running across the bridge over us, laughing. We kissed to the soundtrack of their joy. It was like they were celebrating our kiss, you told me that then. Now every time I walk across a bridge, I want to laugh, just to celebrate our kisses.
I walked across a bridge today. That’s why I thought of it. Taebin was with me. We’d just come from having some lunch and he asked me why I was smiling.
How do you tell your best friend that you’ve found love? How do I tell my best friend that he’s got to make some room in my heart because you’ve moved in?
I realize that you’ve had to deal with that yourself.
I promise Tae won’t punch you in the face. Of course you’d never be as much of an ass as I was so I’m sure you’re even safer than I imagine. Although Tae did say that I was lucky I got to you first.
It appears that I wasn’t the only one who’s been looking your way and wanting you. Okay, this wasn’t about having you. We… us… what we have is about loving one another and friendship.
But damned if I’m not a guy and still want to gloat. What? I’m allowed to gloat. No?
I can see that curl of your lip. Put it down. I won’t gloat. But I will smile smugly whenever someone around me comments that you’re hot. I gotta be allowed that at least.
I was going to see how far I could get into this letter before I told you I missed you. Then I just read back and found out that I said it within a few sentences. So, there you have it. I have no willpower where you’re concerned.
It’s nice to be in Korea but everything sounds so different. After so long of being in Japan, it takes a while for my mind to shift over to a different language. I sometimes dream in Japanese now. I wonder if it’s going to be like that when I start getting serious about English.
Are you going to learn English with me? Or are you going to depend on Yoochun and his bad Konglish? I heard him saying something in a telecast a bit ago and I laughed because I could hear you imitating Junsu complaining about Yoochun’s Korean.
Of course that makes me self-conscious about my own Korean. I’m sure I’m as lazy as anyone else. I should strive to be better spoken. Or at least swear less.
You and I both know that’s not going to happen. So long as I behave on camera, I’ll be okay.
By the way, how goes the plans for your tour? I know you guys are working really hard. I can see that when I catch glimpses of you on the shows. I worry about you, baby. I worry that you’re not getting enough rest. You’ve got to take care of yourself.
I’m going to do my best to tire you out until you fall over when I get back. Promise you that.
Well, I promise you more than a few things. Mostly me. I do promise you that I’m going to give you as much of me as you can take.
I miss you, Shichi.
I know we keep saying that to each other but it’s true. We talk on the phone and when I hang up, I feel like I’ve torn off a piece of my heart and shoved it into the phone. Thankfully, I get a piece of yours in return so it fills the space I left there.
I’m writing this while sitting on your couch. Thanks for letting me use your silence. When you told me that I could come here for my quiet, I didn’t know what to say other than thank you.
I’m going to try to say more than thank you here. But I can’t. I mean how do I tell you how I feel about being surrounded by your quiet?
I can feel you here in this apartment. Even when you’re not here, I can feel you here. I’m not going to stay longer than an hour or two. I think I just need to recharge my soul and then head home.
I think if I stay longer, I will want to crawl into your bed and wait until you come home.
That wouldn’t be good for my group.
Guess that’s the hardest thing that we do, isn’t it? We don’t have any control over how we live our lives. Everything is arranged around us and we have to find small bits of time to live in. I’m grateful that you’re here with me during my scraps of time and space. Even more grateful that your love is with me.
The hyungs appear to be either getting sick or getting over being sick. I worry sometimes about Jaejoong and Yoochun. They seem to get sicker than the rest of us. Yunho is stoic and sometimes we don’t even know he’s sick until he’s nearly collapsed. He takes being our leader very seriously. I’m glad I don’t have that responsibility. And I also feel guilty because I can’t lift that from his shoulders.
My mom is like that. Well she was. She used to carry everything. In some ways I’m glad I’m with the hyungs because I am one less thing that she has to worry about. She can concentrate on my family. I do miss her. She’s always good to sit down with on the couch and just talk about nothing.
I think I like just sitting on couches and talking about nothing. Aish, I’m lazy!
It’s sunny here right now. Well it was. Now it’s almost night time. I like sitting at this window. I wish we had more windows in our apartment but all we would see is the street. I kind of like being this high up and looking out onto the city.
It’s like there are a sea of square stars outside of my window. It’s like being suspended in the night sky.
I’m trying very hard to stay in the living room. What I really want to do is get undressed, find some of your clothes and sleep in your bed. Okay, I should confess something.
I am wearing one of your t-shirts. And boxers. Well, my boxers. But your t-shirt. Why am I wearing only your shirt and my boxers? Well, I wanted to be comfortable and my jeans just seemed heavy and constricting while I sat on the couch.
It also makes me feel like we’ve just…shared one another and you’ve gone out for something and I’m waiting for you to come back.
The story I owe you? It’s a picture of me, writing and drinking tea.
There’s a young man sitting on a soft, oversized couch. He’s wearing only a pair of black boxer briefs and a white shirt that is too big for him. In my mind, he’s calm on the outside but if you look closely, you can see him glancing at the door because he’s waiting for someone to come through the door.
His lover has gone out to bring a late dinner back for them. He chews on the ends of his pen, writing a few words in a journal and debating reading a few pages of his book.
He misses his lover and is a little hungry but he’s not sure if it’s for food or for the older man that has worked under his skin.
I would imagine he’s longing for the guy more than the food.
I know I am. When I think of what taste I should have in my mouth, it’s you I have there.
I’ve started drinking chai tea because it reminds me of your kisses. I’ve missed your kisses so much.
I never thought I would feel like there was a part of me elsewhere. Please take care of my heart. I think you packed it in with your socks. Or maybe I dropped it in there when I packed up your soap and stuff for you.
Did you know I kissed your soap? I wanted to have you wash your body and work my kiss into your skin.
Now who’s the stalker?
I have to stop now. Because missing you has made me cry.
I’m going to crawl into your bed. I am going to wrap my body in your sheets and hold your pillow against my stomach. Your sheets are going to be your arms and the pillow will be your body.
I love you. I love your friendship. You make me feel safe and warm. You also make me feel like I can take chances because you’ll be there to catch me if I fall. I can be more daring because you love me.
You’ve given me the chance to fly and dream more.
I love you so much.
Changmin, your Minku.
God. I don’t have words for how hard it was to get that shirt you wore in the mail. I don’t even have a word for how hard I got when I found the pictures you took of yourself on the couch.
Hell, my mouth is still dry.
God, I’m still hard. I don’t think that’s ever going to go away now.
You are making it very difficult for me to concentrate at work. The image of you is burned into my mind, into my soul. Every time I close my eyes, I see that sweet-wicked mouth of yours.
I’m going to talk about something else or I’m never going to be able get something done today.
The company is having something at one of the clubs tonight. I have to go and do the meet and greet thing with people. You know, shake hands and smile. Make some conversation. Nod at someone’s bad jokes. Not as bad as Junsu’s jokes. I heard some of those gags he’s made. Those are horrible.
Of course you know that. But they’re funny in that he enjoys them. You can hear the joy in his laugh. You’re much funnier than Junsu. It’s just that no one else sees that part of you. It’s not something you share, that dry, droll humour of yours.
Don’t get jealous. I know you, Minku. There’s always a bit of competition in you. Don’t deny it.
It’s something I like about you. I like seeing that fire in your eyes and when that gorgeous mouth of yours gets a little hard when you’re determined about something. I’ve watched you and there’s nothing more sexy than your face when you’re focused on something.
Shit, wasn’t I not going to talk about how sexy you are?
I don’t think anyone can talk about you without talking about how fucking sexy you are.
By the way, whoever decided to put that black collar on you, the one with the chains, seriously needs to be applauded. I have a picture of you in that. All I can think about is how damned hot you’d look wearing just that collar and nothing else. Lying on my bed, your knees up and that luscious mouth of yours parted so I can see the tip of your tongue when you run it across your teeth.
Baby, your mouth was made for sin. Hell, that body of yours is proof that the devil means to bring me down to my knees. And I’m glad to be there because there are all sorts of very nice things I can do to you when I’m down on my knees.
I want to live in your mouth. I want to live in your body. Hell, I want your body to live in mine.
I love you. I lust after you. Tonight I’m going to be staring at a club full of people and thinking of the absolutely gorgeous guy that I have in my heart and my bed and wanting to be there beside him.
Since I can’t have you by me, I’ll wear the shirt you borrowed tonight. And when I call you, I’ll tell you how your scent smells on me.
I have dreams about you. Probably sick and twisted dreams but there are times when I wake up shaking because it seems so real. You’re sometimes just laying next to me, asleep and letting me run my hands over your long legs and over your stomach. Or you’re on your belly and I get to kiss your back and shoulders. I love your back. And your stomach. Hell, I love every inch of your body.
Of course now I’m thinking I do need to love every inch of your body and maybe with that collar on, I could attach you to the headboard with a small chain and take as long as I want with you.
Told you, you make me want to taste every bit of sin that is out there. Hell, you give me fantasies that surprise even my jaded brain.
But the best one I’ve had so far is sitting on a beach with you and watching the sunset while we kiss. Naked. On the sand and salty from swimming in the ocean.
I can imagine making love to you in the waves. Just holding you and letting the tide move our bodies in and out of one another. Letting the sea guide us to climax.
Then letting the sun bake our scents into one another.
Well, okay… the collar one still has me fixated but I can definitely do the beach one.
Hell, I’d like enough time to do them all. As long as I’m doing them with you.
And yet, I go back to talking about how sexy you are and how much I want you. You’ve gotten under my skin, Minku.
I worry that being away from you for so long will make my memory in your mind fade. You want to talk about jealous? I think about all of the people who touch you every day and I go crazy. Don’t let someone’s touch burn into your skin. Let me be the only one who touches you like that.
I never want your eyes to forget me. I want your mouth to always remember mine. More importantly, I want your body to know my hands when I touch you.
And, I can’t wait until I see your new haircut. I like what they’re doing with it. Looks like there’s more for me to hold onto when I kiss you.
I have to end this. We’ve got to head to that silly party and I’m going to spend my time pretending that I’m interested in listening to people who don’t have stories about strangers in their hearts.
Fuck, I miss you.
I just miss having you near me. My soul is cold without you. My bed weeps for your body. And I just wish you were here.
Se7en opened the door to his apartment, his heart heavy and his limbs reluctant to move. The emptiness of the space loomed in front of him. After Changmin’s return to Japan, he now dreaded coming home to his home, afraid to listen to the echoes of the walls.
He knew he would listen for the tumbling words of his lover, Min’s husky, sexy murmur a sweet undernote to the sounds of the city outside. Brushing at the tear that threatened his lashes, Se7en pushed down at the emotions rising to choke him.
With each step into the living room, his heart ached more. Every bit of furniture now held a memory, however slight, of the stubborn, willful, intelligent, sexy young man he’d fallen for. His dearest friend. Someone to share even the most secret of fears.
Even in his pain, Se7en was thankful for Min’s love. He wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
“We are what we are, Minku.” Se7en shed his shirt, letting it fall onto the couch and walked over to the corner window. Seoul continued along with her life, busy and ignorant of the lives she held in her belly. He stared at the streets below. He’d not trusted himself to go out onto the balcony but after nearly two weeks, he wanted to sit in the papa-san chair and hope to find Min’s scent on its fabric.
Before it had been one of his favourite places to sit and enjoy the world. Se7en didn’t know if he would be able to go out there without Changmin curled up against him.
Retrieving a beer from the fridge, Se7en opened the sliding glass door and padded outside, letting the night pour down over his half-naked body. The darkness felt good, a wash of black that covered the tears he knew were lurking beneath his control.
He refused to cry without having Min around to kiss them from his eyes. He would hold his tears until his lover was next to him. And then, only then, would he share his pain.
Turning, Se7en took a sip of his beer and then caught sight of the square envelope sitting on the papa-san chair, his name boldly written on the front. His heart jerked at the familiar scrawl, a strong pen worked with deliberate care.
Picking up the letter, Se7en crawled into the curved cushion, setting his beer down on the table. Slitting open the tab, he shook out the folded pages inside, thankful that the awning would have kept the letter from the sun or rain. He couldn’t help but smile when he saw Min’s opening lines, the warmth of their loving spreading deep inside of him.
I don’t know when you’re going to find this. I hope it’s soon after I leave but I know that you are going to spend the day working and then when you come home, you’ll probably be so tired. But I’m hoping that you head out to the balcony and find this.
When am I writing this? We’ve just made love. Well, I’ve made love to you for the first time and you’ve fallen asleep after we’ve talked. I wanted to write something for you to find, like you did for me that first time.
Because I think you need to know how you make me feel.
We talk a lot about how we miss each other and how we love one another. About how we’re friends. And that we’re never going to let one another go.
I wanted to say that these are just words. Because what I feel can’t even touch what ever I say to you. I wish there were colours that I could give you so you could know how I feel. I could tell you about the rose-pink that you pull out of me when you kiss me. Or the deep black of your arms around me, because in the dark, you and I are always one. Whenever you hug me, I feel that. It’s like we’re always making love. Every time you touch me, we’re making love.
Okay, that probably doesn’t make sense. But it’s true. When we touch, our souls mingle. And we’re bound together. There is no one on top or bottom. We just are…mingled. Tangled into each other. Because you make love to my soul as much as you make love to my body.
I’m going to leave the day after tomorrow. And before I go, I’m going to sneak this outside for you to find.
How do I write a letter that explains to you how I feel? This is hard to do. Because everything seems so pale compared to what you do to me.
I’m watching you sleep. Like you watch me sometimes. I find I watch you breathe and I want touch your mouth with mine. I want to let your breath fill my mouth so I can keep it with me. I wish I could keep everything about you with me.
You wake up every once in a while and touch me. Not fully awake but I see you stir and you reach for me. I want to always be here when you reach for me. I wish I could always be here. I do.
I think of you as my Shichimi, the seven delicious flavours that add spice to my world. I’ve told you that. But what I’ve not told you is that sometimes, you are also my shichiyou, the seven heavenly bodies that surround me. They were the celestial objects that could be seen from ancient times and then as man grew wiser and could see farther, more became apparent.
That is really how I see you.
When I first met you, I thought; Ah, he’s so full of himself.
Little did I know that I wanted me to be full of you.
You unfolded before me. And you unfolded me under you.
As I got to know you, I saw more of what the universe of Se7en held. And I can’t believe how vast and beautiful it is. You take my breath away, Shichi.
Every step we took together has been one of learning for me. I’ve spent the past few years of my life thinking that I was someone who should be in the background. You have shown me how to step forward. And that I am worthy to step forward.
I can’t say that I’ll be bold. It’s not in my nature to be bold. But you’ve shown me how to be more daring. And while I might still blush, I know that you’ll be there to kiss the red away. I shall always be grateful for my shyness because it makes you kiss me.
I really like your kisses. They are the most precious things I have ever been given. I wish I could collect them and store them in a box to run my fingers through. They are like stars. Like rainbows.
Did you know that shichishoku means the seven prismatic colours? I found that out and thought; that is what Dong-Wook does for me. You show me that what I thought was light is really the beauty of colours hidden inside of the white. Now when ever I wear white, I shall think that you are around me. I hope to be the prism for the white and hold your colours inside of me.
By the way, I’ve stolen a few of your white shirts. I might or might not return them to you.
I will however take pictures of myself on your bed. Because I know you want me too. I can’t say that I won’t be embarrassed. I know I will be. And if you ever share them, I will kill you. And tell everyone that you’re very short down there.
And then I will make it true.
Can you tell that I’ve had so little sleep? I really don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to miss a second of watching you. I really don’t.
Ah, you’re starting to stir again. I should put this away and use my fingers and mouth for other things.
You’ve shown me the world and inside of you. I love you. I am in love with you. You are my friend and my sweetness. You make me feel like I am special and that no one else in the world can make you feel loved enough to fall asleep against.
After your making love to me, your sleeping next to me is probably the most erotic thing that you’ve given me. And the dearest.
You are definitely awake. Or at least almost awake. I like how you wake up slowly. You’re worse than I am. Ah, your hand is looking for me and has found my thigh. Your eyes aren’t open yet but they will be.
When you find this letter, remember my kisses. Remember my eyes and remember me telling you that I love you. I will tell you that I love you. And I will scream your name and beg you for more.
Because I can’t get enough of you, my Shichi.
Don’t ever let go of me. Don’t ever let go of my heart.
I love you, Shichi.
I love you, Dong-Wook.
I cherish you.
Se7en pressed the letter to his mouth, turning his head and blinked away the tears in his eyes. The chirrup of his phone made him smile. His lover was calling early.
Wiping at his face with the back of his hand, he heard his phone cut off in mid-ring. Wondering if Changmin hung up without leaving a message, he hurried into the living room.
Grabbing at the phone, he flipped it open and answered, hoping he’d caught Min before the young man disconnected. Swearing at the empty line, Se7en swore hard, twisting about and reminding himself that flinging the phone across the room would do no good.
Min stood in the middle of his living room, lean and sensual, dressed only in a pair of black boxer briefs and a familiar white shirt he’d lost to his lover a few weeks ago. Quirking an eyebrow, Changmin held up his own phone, a finger on the end call button. Leaned against the door frame, he was a sexy drape of muscle and sweetness. With a tender smile, Min looked at Se7en, an invitation clearly written on his face as he spoke.
“Hi, baby. Want to help me make kitten noises?”