Title: On The Red Couch ♥
Pairing: YunJae (with some YooSu and Min7en)
Chapter Rating: R
Part One: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Se7en, 8, 9, 10, 11
Part Two: 12, 13 (Extremely Mature Content), 14, 15, 16, Comments Regarding Storyline , Se7enteen, 18, 19, 20, 21 (Lemon)
Part Three: 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, Twenty-Se7en (LEMON), 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 (LEMON), 33, 34, 35, 36, Thirty-Se7en, 38, 39, 40 (Final)>
Summary: Hot Korean boys. Sex. Dancing and some angry words. Not necessarily in that order. Not necessarily in each section. Final Book in SMM series.
“I’m here, baby.”
Jaejoong heard the whisper. It dove in through his own screams, his dream-voice hoarse and dry. He tries speaking, pounding at the thin glass separating him from his lover but a man’s hands were on his hips, fingers digging into his naked torso and yanking him back.
Then the world turned, replacing horror with a bold arabesque comforter and long stretches of golden, vanilla-green tea scented skin.
“Yunnie-ah,” Jae mumbled, trying to clear the sleep from his brain. “Where…?”
The room was sensual and unfamiliar. His view of his surroundings were odd as if the ceiling were too short then Jaejoong realized it was the bed that was tall. Four posts rose up from its corners, woven iron spires beaten and formed to resemble fire. The black flames licked the air, immovable and firm, nearly reaching the airy white lanterns above it. A light burned from a scone set near the bed, a soft warm glow reaching out to touch Yunho’s face.
“Hey,” Yunho leaned over, capturing Jaejoong’s mouth in a gentle kiss. “I was hoping you’d sleep until morning.”
“Where are we?” He rubbed at his eyes, moving under the bed sheets. His jeans were gone as was his shirt but his boxers gave him some modesty. Realizing suddenly where he’d been last, Jae’s eyes widened. “Are we at Camui-san’s house?”
“Yeah, we are,” The other man said, tucking his arm around Jae’s waist. Yunho almost shifted over but stopped, wondering how much room Jae needed. “I carried you in here. I told Shizu we’d not be around in the morning. He said it was okay.”
“You carried me in here?”
“I carried you when your body was broken,” Yunho reminded him. “I can carry you when your soul is broken too.”
“How did you know… ah, Camui-san.”
“Yeah, your fairy god-dragon,” Yunho muttered. The singer still made him uncomfortable but he could deny Gackt’s genuine fondness for Jaejoong. “He’s a bit odd.”
“I like him. He makes me feel…”
“Yeah, normal,” Jaejoong replied, deliberately ignoring Yunho’s sarcasm. “You don’t understand.”
“I don’t have to,” Yunho said, softly. “All I have to do is accept.”
They left things unspoken between them, both searching for the beginning of the tattered ribbon binding them together. Too alike in some ways and so very different in others, the singers lay on their sides, staring into one another’s faces.
“I couldn’t talk to you,” Jaejoong knew in his gut Yunho understood but the leader shook his head. “It hurt too much and then… it hurt too much because I didn’t.”
“Joongie,” He took his lover’s hand, entangling their fingers. “I need you to talk to me. Now. Here. We can talk to each other now.”
They touched frequently in front of others or in public but behind closed doors and away from prying eyes, even the smallest touch became intimate. There were burrs and ridges on Yunho’s hands, rough spots where dancing took its toll. Brushing against floors and clothes caught on his skin, leaving thickened calluses on his palms and fingers where Jaejoong’s were smooth. The textural differences were erotic on their own. When Yunho rubbed against Jae’s fingers, it echoed their lovemaking, smooth against the intrusion.
Jaejoong found himself missing the stretch of his body around his lover. Lying with Yunho in a borrowed bed, he felt peaceful for the first time in months, the slow slumber of his exhaustion fleeing his limbs. Their rings touched, a chiming sound that brought a smile to Yunho’s mouth.
“I love you, Yunnie-ah,” Jaejoong said, a quiet drop of affection in the sea of black sorrow surrounding them.
“I love you too, baby.” Yunho lifted Jae’s hand, kissing his fingertips while his body mewled, aching to fall into Jae’s sweetness and plunder its depths.
They lay tangled in one another, legs hooked around shins and arms around waists. Jaejoong’s head lay on Yunho’s shoulder, his fingers tracing over the other’s chest. Lethargic, the singer fought sleep, having emerged from a dead slumber that left his mind filled with cobwebs. He knew he had to speak… to scrape off the layer of filth on his tongue and soul… but fear froze his heart, stilling its fire with foul memories.
“He… couldn’t get hard,” Jaejoong whispered. It was easier to talk to Yunho’s chest.. easier to talk to his heart than to his face. The other man’s eyes held his reflection and Jae didn’t think he could speak if he had to see Yunho’s pain overlaid with his face. “He tried… pulling and trying to shove into my mouth but I wouldn’t let him.”
“So he didn’t… get himself inside of you?” Yunho asked. His breath was soft on Jaejoong’s temples, a comforting touch for his busy head.
“No, not… that part of him. He tried. He pushed and then…I could feel him trying and then he… used his fingers to pull me apart and tried again but he couldn’t…get into me. He was too soft and oh, he was angry. So angry. I could feel him getting hot… lying down on my back and I could feel his body get hotter.” A sigh and Jaejoong closed his eyes, resting his cheek on Yunho’s warm skin. “Then he yelled and he used his hands… used his fingers until I felt like something tore. His finger nails cut me and I started bleeding. I think he got scared. I don’t know… I know it seemed like forever and he was shoving and pushing then… he spilled himself.”
“I tried to get away from him but I couldn’t move. I couldn’t feel my face, like it was numb.” The young man rubbed his fingers around Yunho’s heart, loving the feel of its beat in time with his. “When I felt him… when I felt his seed on me, I started crying because he’d bitten me between… under my neck where my tattoo is. The place that.. you… bite… where you used to bite me.”
“Joongie-ah, that spot is still mine,” Yunho brushed at Jae’s hair, stroking through the long strands at the back of his head. “It will always be mine.”
“He hit me then. When he struggling to get inside of me and then spilled himself on my legs, he punched me. Over and over.” Jaejoong struggled to get the words out, caught on his fear of Yunho’s rejection. “I kept hearing him say things like…You’re not even good enough to get me hard…that I tempted him… and made him weak so he couldn’t… do what I wanted him to… what I’d asked him to…”
“I never asked him to touch me,” Jae’s voice broke. “I never did, Yunnie. You have to believe me. Never.”
“I do.” He murmured, bending his head down to kiss Jae’s hair.
“It was worse than that time…before…the time at Trance. I should have been stronger. I’m older and… I’m stronger. I should have been able to shove him away.”
“Baby, Kimura outweighed you by about five kwan at least. You wouldn’t be able to fight that off, no matter how strong you are.” Yunho kept his voice soft, a whisper to soothe the other’s rattled nerves. “No one can say that you didn’t try. I know you, baby, I know you didn’t seduce him. I know it.”
“People will think… because I love you…” He blinked, unable to shed another tear. Jae’s mouth felt too dry but he was too weak to sit up, too drained to do anything more than lie against Yunho’s side.
“Hold on.” Yunho slid up, grabbing a bottle of water from the nightstand. “Gakkun said that you need to drink more because you’re dehydrating your body. He shouldn’t have let you drink the wine but he thought you could use the sleep.”
Jaejoong sat up and forced himself not to gulp down the bottle. The cold felt good on his throat and his tongue lapped at the gush, forcing the flow down. “Did he call you? Did he tell you?”
“No, I told you — I already knew. I’ve known for a while but yes, he did call me,” Yunho took the half-empty bottle from Jae, putting within reach on the table and wrapped his arm around his lover’s waist, holding him close. Settled back against Yunho’s body, Jae sighed, tension releasing from his tight body. “He sent a car for me which is good because I wouldn’t have been able to drive.”
“I should have told you,” He whispered. “I knew I should have but we weren’t talking and then, it got too long. If I told you, you’d want… you’d not want to be with me. As long as I didn’t tell you, I had a chance to make things right. I just didn’t know how.”
“You should have told me. Even if I killed him, you should have told me.”
“I was afraid that if I told you and you did…nothing, it would hurt even more. I don’t think I could have taken it. I don’t think I could have survived you…not caring.”
“That’s not going to happen, baby. I promise.”
“When he was hitting me, all I could think about was how I was going to hide the bruises from you. I didn’t know Chunnie saw them and blamed you. There’s just too much… so much behind us.”
“There’s a lot in front of us too,” Yunho said, smiling as he heard Gackt in his words.
“He told me that you’d know. He would make sure that you knew I cheated on you and eventually get the members to drive me out. He kept telling me things…whispering things to me until I couldn’t tell what the truth was anymore. And then in his office… when he…”
“His office?” Yunho asked suddenly, tightening his mouth when he realized he stood in the room Kimura used to try to take Jaejoong away from him. “I should have set it on fire when I had the chance.”
“For me, it didn’t matter that he couldn’t… finish… that he couldn’t… it was that he tried and I didn’t stop him,” Jaejoong bit his lip, needing to feel the pain. His mouth was still too dry and a numb stillness was spreading through his limbs. Fear paralyzed him, an uncomfortable playmate roughly handling his nerves. “He said it didn’t matter. That he could say that he’d had me to your face and you’d…”
“You were afraid that I’d look at you and not want you any more?” When Jae nodded, Yunho sighed heavily. “I’ve not said anything because I wanted to wait until you could talk about it. I’ve held you through the worst of it, baby. I’ll hold you through anything but you’ve got to hold me too. At least in your heart. You have to trust me, Joongie. I might not always react the best way but under everything is love. I will never throw that away. I am never going to throw you away.”
“Even after… Kimura?”
“Especially after Kimura,” Yunho replied. “Camui-san was right when he told me that men are trapped when something like this happens. If they say something then people will think they are weak and gay men have it worse.”
“You think people think I’m gay?” A frown was in Jaejoong’s voice, deepening his worry. “I’ve been trying not to… give that impression. I can’t risk the others. I can’t risk you.”
“See?” Yunho pointed out. “You are gay and you worry about people perceiving the truth because that’s what we were brought up to believe. That’s wrong, Joongie. I know we’re trapped behind this wall that we can’t climb over and show the world who we love. We have too many people depending on us to feed their families. The other members depend on us as well. There is too much pressure from the outside of us, Je Je. That’s why we have to be honest somewhere in our lives. At least be honest with ourselves.”
“Kimura wasn’t… honest with himself, do you think?”
“I think Kimura’s perversions didn’t have anything to do with him liking guys,” Yunho said. “I think his depravities were his need to make other people small. He liked the power he had over you. I think he couldn’t get himself hard because he knew he couldn’t break how you felt. Kimura couldn’t make you his. He couldn’t take what was inside of you. You were stronger than his perversions. You’re stronger than his control was. Even if he had you where he could hurt you, you still weren’t his. That’s what pissed him off, Boo. That you were never going to be his.”
“He couldn’t push into you. He couldn’t take possession of you and even if he could, he’d still never have you.” He continued, running his fingers up and down Jaejoong’s spine. “He could have plunged as far into you as he could and still, he couldn’t touch what he needed to touch the most… your soul. He didn’t break you. You’re broken not because of what he did to you but because you feared I wouldn’t love you. And I can tell you that I will always love you and I will help you mend what’s inside of you, baby.”
“But he didn’t get all the way in,” Jaejoong said. “I didn’t feel like I could call it that.. because he didn’t…”
“Kimura raped you, Joongie. Even if all he did was spill his seed on you and beat you, he still raped you. He assaulted who you were because he was trying to take what wasn’t his. That’s what rape is. Trying to break someone apart is rape.” Yunho breathed, letting out all of the tangled frustrations he had in his belly.
“I feel like he tore me apart,” The singer agreed.
“Your father… that man at Trance… that first guy who touched you and then tossed you aside… those are all assaults. They all try to break off small pieces of you so they can take those pieces. Those kind of men think they’re powerful when they do that. They take out those parts of you and say; ‘Look what a man I am because I was able to take this from another man!’ when in reality, you’re the real man for surviving them.”
Jaejoong’s hand slowly moved over Yunho’s chest and ribs, remembering the other man’s skin under his palm. There were newer curves along the man’s stomach, ones he’d been hesitant to explore before. They were fragile together but In a borrowed bed, it seemed easier… freer to rediscover the man who said he loved him.
The man who did love him.
“What do we do now? How do we fix… us? How do we fix…”
“How do we fix you?” Yunho completed Jaejoong’s thought. “We work to erase your nightmares. We learn to trust one another. We learn to laugh again. We hold each other and talk about what hurts. We learn that our pride doesn’t matter and that no matter what happens, we shouldn’t turn our backs on each other… even if we’re pissed off.”
“We get pissed off a lot,” Jae sighed, turning around in Yunho’s arms so he could lean his back against the other’s chest. “We’ve always fought.”
“We probably always will,” Yunho said ruefully. “We seem to like… fire in our relationship.”
“Can we do this? Can we survive each other, Yunnie-ah?”
“We’re going to have to, baby,” He replied. “I think we swore to love one another until the stars burnt out. Last time I looked, they’re all still there.”
“True, they are.”
“Besides,” Yunho reached over Jae’s shoulder with his free hand, moving the other man’s hair out of the way. He craned his neck and sank his teeth into the black ink scrawled under Jaejoong’s skin, working the roll back and forth before letting go. “I need to remind you that you’re mine, baby. So much mine.”