Pairing: Yunho and Jaejoong
Overall Rating: NC-17
See you on Monday, California time. Shush. You don’t see me.
Summary: A pair of lovers, their brothers in all but blood, love, confusion and hope. Probably some dancing. Definitely some smex. Not necessarily in that order.
Previous: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage. Lao Tzu
In the dark, whispers carried more weight. For Yunho, his heart and soul bloomed in a dimmed light, cradled in the night’s womb, and he could speak freely, without a care of who would see the tears on his face. Even if the only other person in the room was Jaejoong. Especially if the only other person in the room was Jaejoong.
The singer lay with his back against the mattress, his head on his lover’s shoulder. Yunho’s arm looped under him, draping up over his stomach. Jae’s fingers trailed over the man’s skin, feeling the downy hair spring back and forth under his wandering touch.
With the curtains drawn back and the lights dark, the room blurred under the washed out glow of the city. They lay under the blue and white shimmer, inhaling one another’s scent mingled with their own. It was an intimate, closed in kiss of bodies against rumpled sheets. Despite the tension left in the air, they were relaxed, comfortable in the fit of their hips, sides and legs.
“I’m… scared,” Yunho whispered into the dark. “God, Joongie-ah, I am so…scared.”
Jaejoong waited, listening to the fear in his lover’s voice. It permeated every breath, lead weights hanging on each word. He placed his hand on Yunho’s arm, turning his head to the side to kiss his lover’s chest. A flick of his tongue wet the leader’s nipple, a puff of wind ghosting a chill over Yunho’s damp skin. The touch of his lover-friend’s mouth on his skin connected Yunho to Jaejoong’s heart, leaving a warmth in the man’s belly.
“There are so many… things in my mind. Everything’s fighting and I can’t figure out… what I’m thinking or what I’m feeling,” Yunho continued.
“Start with one thing,” Jae replied, his voice a deep purring sound in the bright blue light. “Start with one thing and don’t worry about what it is. Don’t worry about what you believe I might think or do. Just that one thing.”
“I worry that I’m… less of a man,” He broke, his voice cracking under the heat of his emotions. “I look at the… doing of this and think, am I less of a man? Which is stupid because I don’t think of you as anything but a man but you… God, Jaejoong, you’re so strong… and you…”
“One thing, Yunnie-ah,” His lover whispered. There was no anger or worry in Jae’s soft voice, just a calming salve on Yunho’s taut, frazzled nerves. “Focus only on the one thing and let’s talk about that first. Don’t worry about me. Let’s just talk about you. Why does it make you feel like you’re less of a man?”
“Not less, just…” Yunho struggled to find what he wanted to say. “I think it’s… It’s not that by… doing that, I’m becoming a woman or losing my manhood. Or maybe it is? Maybe I don’t know what I’m afraid of.”
“I can understand how you feel,” Jaejoong said, keeping his lover warm with the stretch of his body over Yunho’s chest. “It’s like there are pieces of who you should have been struggling against who you’ve become. The past-future Jung against the present and now different-future.”
“I don’t think I understand… everything you’re saying.”
“You have a set path in your mind. You always have. When you focus on something, there’s nothing strong enough to stand in your way of achieving what you want.”
“Nothing but you,” Yunho laughed, a short sweet burst jerking his chest. Jae chuckled, joining him for a moment.
“No, nothing but me,” Jae acknowledged his lover with another kiss. “What I’m saying is that you have pieces… a shell of who you were supposed to be around you still. I watch it crack but it never falls off.”
“What do you mean?”
“Now, all of us are older and you don’t need to be the…father any more but you still are so serious in front of the camera,” He spoke softly, contemplating his words. “You are still wearing your father’s skin, Yunho. I don’t think that you’ll ever stop being afraid until you are able to take that off.”
“My father’s skin?”
“Well, the skin your father … the one you put on for your father,” Jaejoong sighed, turning Yunho’s ring with a twist of his thumb. “It’s like a suit your father made for you… the skin of the Jung Yunho he wanted you to be but it doesn’t fit. I don’t know if it ever fit but you wore it. Because it was what… it was who your father wanted you to be.”
“And now, I don’t want to be that…skin anymore. I don’t want to wear it.” He exhaled, letting the fire in his belly whisper out of his parched throat. His stomach burned, reminding him of his troubles. “And you think that it… that is why I am uncomfortable?”
“Think about it,” Jae offered his hand for the man to take. Yunho reached over with his free hand and gripped his lover’s fingers. “You are not the man you were supposed to be. You became your own man but there are some things so ingrained in you… traditional things… that are going to be hard to shake off. You might never shake them off. They are a part of who you are but you can bend them, shape them into different things. You need to make the skin that you wear now fit you. If it’s patched together with parts of what your father gave you, then so be it but it needs to be comfortable for you, baby.”
Yunho fell silent, holding Jaejoong in his arms, their hands intertwined. The singer’s breathing fell into time with Yunho’s, their bodies rising and falling as one. A peek of the moon appeared, slivering moonlight onto their bed. The silver touched their golden bodies, naked to the waist and hot from touch.
“Talk to me, Boo,” Yunho sighed. “Tell me what’s on your tongue.”
“I think… you’re worried about how I would feel. I’m not upset by what you said. Those words, those feelings are something inside of you, not me.” A move of his shoulders dismissed Yunho’s worries with an elegant shrug. “My masculinity isn’t tied up in how the world views me.”
“You’re stronger than me,” He admitted. “I can’t even imagine… you’re just stronger.”
“I am different than you, not stronger,” Jae corrected. “We are complimentary, strong where the other is weak, giving where the other dominates. These aren’t bad things to be. If you want to change that… if you need to change that… then we can work on it.”
“Do you want to change that? Change how I feel about… doing that?” Yunho asked. “Be honest with me, Jaejoong. For once, say what’s on your tongue and not what you think my heart needs to hear.”
The young man kept quiet for a minute, sorting out his thoughts. Yunho’s stomach growled, his nervousness broiling his innards. Smiling, the singer pulled his hand free of his lover’s patting the man’s belly. He left another kiss on Yunho’s chest, then another, leaving a soft stinging bite under the nipple. The man hissed when Jae’s teeth sank in deep then released, his sex stirring uncomfortably against the fit of his pants.
“I…I like what we do,” Jae started, shifting so his head rested on Yunho’s collarbone. “I love it. Are there times when I wish I could be inside of you? Yes, there are.”
Jaejoong closed his eyes, feeling himself out. Yunho stilled, barely breathing with his throat closed up over the words he needed to keep inside. Nodding, Jae sighed, letting his lashes flutter on his cheeks then stared up at the ceiling. It was safer to look up than at Yunho’s face, a safer but not prettier alternative.
“I’ve had sex with women, you know that,” He said. “It was nice but there was something… missing…something I wasn’t reaching inside of myself. When you… sank into me for the first time…when you pushed me open for the first time I thought; God, this is what I’m looking for. This is what I’ve needed.”
“I felt that way too.” Yunho kissed the top of Jae’s head, tightly closing his eyes. He needed to cry. He wanted to cry. In the dark, he let go, as he told Jaejoong once to and his eyes watered, drops falling into his lover’s dark hair.
“Don’t cry, Yunnie,” Jae said, turning over to inch his way up Yunho’s naked chest. Pressing his lips to Yunho’s eyes, he kissed away the man’s tears, taking Yunho’s sorrow into his mouth. “Please, don’t cry.”
“Sometimes, I cry because I can’t… feel any more,” Yunho whispered, cupping his hand against the back of Jaejoong’s head, holding the other man in close. He kissed Jae’s chin, tasting his lover’s skin on his tongue. “Like I’m too full and I can’t go any further unless I cry some of it out.”
“Then cry, baby,” Jaejoong replied, licking away the salt water on his lips. “I’ll be here to take in your sorrow.”
Yunho held Jaejoong tightly, rocking against one another until Yunho felt the shudder of his unhappiness wisp away. Wiping his face with the back of his hand, he exhaled, ruffling Jae’s hair. They kissed., sweet and slow, lingering on one another’s mouths until their bodies shimmered with heat.
“You unmake me,” Yunho said. “You take me apart and I feel like I’m someone else. Someone I want to be. So I guess you’re right… about that skin I’m wearing. The one my father made. I don’t want to wear it anymore, Joongie. I don’t.”
“I wish I could tell you just not to… to just take it off but I know it’s not easy,” Jae replied. “When I left home, I was… who my father made me. I was scared and lonely. I didn’t want to be… I didn’t want to love men. I tried not to. I hated myself for a long time because of it so I understand where you are… who you are. Even if we’re different people, there are some things that are the same. Fear doesn’t care who it infects. It’s just there.”
“Fear. I never thought of it as a sickness,” He murmured, rocking Jae back and forth for a moment just to feel him in his arms. “So maybe it’s time to… heal myself.”
“I don’t want you to change what we do because you think I need it,” Jaejoong said. “Do I want you? Do I want to be inside of you? Yes, I’m not going to say no to that. I like feeling your hand around me. I love feeling your mouth on me. I know what you look like when you’re inside of me and you are almost there, reaching inside of yourself and coming inside of me. I admit I want that. I want to fill you but not if it loses you.”
“You will never lose me, Jaejoong,” The man protested heatedly.
“No, I don’t mean you’ll leave me,” Jae said. “I mean I don’t want you to force yourself into something you can’t do.”
“Something I won’t do, you mean,” Yunho replied bitterly. “I’m the one balking at this. You’re not saying anything because you don’t want to hurt my feelings.”
“I didn’t feel it was time to say anything. With everything behind us now, I just wanted to be happy for a while before throwing a stone into the water,” He replied, catching Yunho’s nipple in his fingers. Twisting the nub lightly, he smiled wickedly when the other man hissed in pain. “Because if I told you it hurt, you would say we should stop doing it. And I’d kill you before I stopped making love to you.”
“So it does hurt?” Yunho rubbed at his chest.
“No,” Jae made a face. “Yes. No. It’s nice. It’s more than nice. It’s like sipping from Heaven when you’re buried deep inside of me. Even when it stings, it’s okay because it’s you.”
“If I hurt you…I hurt you?” Sitting up, Yunho nearly dumped Jaejoong to the floor. “And you let me….?”
“Shut up for a minute,” Jae said, pushing his lover back down. Settling back against Yunho’s chest, he slid around until he was comfortable. “It doesn’t hurt, not really. Not when you know what you’re doing.”
“Neither one of us knew what we were doing,” Yunho said sharply. “Not at the beginning. You can’t tell me that it doesn’t hurt… didn’t hurt.”
“Okay,” Jae shrugged. “It did. Sometimes it still does. Usually when I need you so badly inside of me that I don’t want to take the time … won’t take the time. And then, it’s good. Even then it’s good. I can’t explain it but I’d like to try. It’s okay to be scared, Yunho. I know I was. You were…are worth it, baby. You are worth facing every fear I have ever had.”