this is for bardou who wanted YooSu angst.
Genre: It's complicated.
THIS IS TOTALLY AU FROM SMM. 100% off SMM. Not in any way related to So Much Mine, Lavender Bunny or anything else.
This probably will be some hardcore NC-17 or hell, maybe fluffy. I dunno.
Parts: One, Two, Three, Four
Changmin returned to the living room to find a barefoot Se7en sprawled on the floor cushions and finishing Min’s beer. Tying a loose bow in the drawstrings of his cotton pants, Changmin stood over the other man and shot him a dirty look.
“Really?” He took the empty glass from Se7en’s hand. “That was mine.”
“I didn’t think it was Yunho’s. He’s in Japan trying to patch things up with his harem,” The other man shot back as Min walked away. “If you’re getting another beer, bring me one too.”
“My mother didn’t raise me to be your servant,” Changmin growled, bringing two bottles of Tsing Tao back from the kitchen.
“If she had, you wouldn’t be giving me a beer,” Se7en purred. “You’d be giving me…”
“That’s my mother you are talking about,” He warned. “Think very carefully before finishing that sentence.”
“Fair enough,” The other man said. Patting the cushions, Se7en’s face grew serious. “Come sit down.”
Min’s contrary nature rebelled at the thought of obeying the older man’s quiet request but he lowered himself onto the pillows, keeping a safe distance from Se7en’s wandering fingers.
“You’re too far away,” Se7en complained.
“No, I’m far away enough,” Min corrected. “You wanted to talk so talk.”
It’s a wonder you’ve ever been kissed, The gremlin complained. We are NEVER going to get laid.
“Talking isn’t all I had in mind.” Se7en said softly. “But I’ll behave.”
I would rather you didn’t but apparently he’s not going to listen to anything I have to say, Min’s inner voice grumbled.
“Shut up,” Min hissed to himself. “Talk, Shichi, before I change my mind. I want to see how you can explain having sex with Yunho and still think you’re going to have a chance with me.”
“Do you think they’re together?” Yoochun asked, his voice nearly drowned out by the sound of rain coming through the open window. “Junsu and Yunho.”
“Probably.” Jaejoong climbed over Yoochun’s legs and settled into the bed next to his friend. Tucking a pillow into his arms, he cradled it between his knees, hoping the soft comfort would take away the wrenching ache left in his groin from Yunho’s kiss. Outside, the night deepened and the soft brush of water against the glass masked the catch of pain in Yoochun’s sighs. “I’m sorry, Chun. I wish…”
“We could make it better for each other?” Yoochun murmured when Jaejoong’s arms wrapped around him and the singer’s bare torso warmed Yoochun’s naked back. A dot of cold prodded Yoochun’s spine, Jae’s stainless steel belly ring a sharp reminder of the other man’s fondness for diving into the darkness around him.
They were so different, Yoochun mused as he hugged Jaejoong’s strong arms in a tight embrace. Jaejoong was wild, driven by demons and ambitions Yoochun couldn’t begin to imagine. For Jae, everything had an edge, something sharp and if he moved too quickly, even a word could cut him and he would bleed.
And there were times when Jaejoong couldn’t help but race along the razor’s edge, laughingly explaining to Yoochun that the pain was the only thing he knew was real… and everything else around him, including the love they had for him, was nothing but a dream he would soon wake from.
Connected first by circumstance then by an intangible bond between them that defied explanation, Yoochun wondered if he would ever be as strong as his friend… as willing to throw himself into the unknown and risk everything for someone else. It was Jaejoong that took the first step away from the company that owned them, a treacherous journey he chose not because he needed to be free but because Yoochun asked him to help free Junsu.
Jaejoong would die before admitting he couldn’t handle the violence and pain their former company dished out but one crack in Yoochun’s psyche over Junsu’s failing health and Jaejoong was the dragon rising from the heavens to defend them, even when it meant leaving behind the one person Jaejoong loved more than Yoochun.
As the rain fell, their fears seemed smaller but the sharp prick of their sorrow pierced deeper into their hearts. Sharing nearly all of their secrets, the men let the light storm carry away the world outside, separating themselves from the lives they led beyond their front door.
The singer shifted on the bed, getting more comfortable on the soft mattress but his arms remained around Yoochun’s body, cradling the young man close. Resting his chin on Yoochun’s shoulder, he skimmed his long fingers up the other man’s chest, following the length of Yoochun’s collarbone with a gentle tickle.
“He thinks we…are doing things with each other,” Yoochun whispered. “And I was so…I let him think that. I left him with that thought so he could feel as jealous as I did when I found out he was keeping Yunho’s secrets.”
“You’re still angry with him,” Jae said, his breath a hot kiss on Yoochun’s skin. “You should forgive him.”
“You haven’t forgiven Yunho,” Yoochun pointed out.
“No, but Junsu wasn’t the one cheating on me,” The other man replied. “He was keeping his hyung’s secret. I keep telling myself that.”
“We… did this to ourselves for him.” The bitter rawness in Yoochun’s words made Jaejoong wince. “We started this whole mess because I was afraid he wouldn’t survive much longer. I needed to keep him safe; even when I thought he couldn’t love me like I loved him… I needed to keep him safe. And that is how he repaid us, with… lies.”
“He never lied. He just never spoke the truth.”
“It’s that kind of reasoning that keeps you going back to Yunho even after he hurts you.” The baritone scoffed. “Listen to yourself, Joongie-ah. He is never going to love you where others can see it. You can’t want that. You can’t hide the rest of your life. Don’t you deserve to be loved out in the open?”
“I do,” He replied. “And yes, it’s stupid to want him to love me. I know that. Yunho is too rigid…too stuck in his conservative ways to love me and every time he looks in my direction, I run to him. It’s painful and the dumbest thing I can do but I do it anyway. We all know anything he shows in public isn’t because he loves me but because he has no control over his passions. He keeps them too tightly imprisoned behind the brick wall of his face so they fight him, leaking out and spreading when he isn’t watching.”
“I think he loved you… still loves you,” Yoochun said, letting his head drop back against Jae’s shoulder. “He keeps circling around you. I don’t think he can give you up. After everything he’s done to you, he can’t leave you be.”
“He takes risks for me, Chunnie. You don’t see it but he does.”
“You risked everything for someone I loved and lost everything you had because of it. Yunho’s risked nothing.”
“I risked everything for someone I love,” Jaejoong reminded Yoochun, tightening his hug until the air was almost squeezed out of Yoochun’s body. “Just because I am not in love with you, that doesn’t mean I won’t do anything I can for you… even if it means having nothing. As long as you are my soulmate….my brother, I’m richer than anyone else I know.”
“You’d be happier if it were Yunho you were hugging right now,” Yoochun whispered, shifting and dropping his head forehead. “Instead of me.”
“Just like you wish it were Junsu holding you instead of me.” Something hot and wet hit Jae’s forearm, soon followed by another. Each drop felt like acid on Jaejoong’s skin, Yoochun’s pain searing him down to his marrow. Bending closer, Jae pressed his lips to the back of Yoochun’s head, kissing him with great care. “I wish he were here holding you too.”
Jaejoong said nothing when Yoochun’s tears began to fall as hard as the rain outside of their window. He merely began rocking the younger man back and forth when his cries finally broke through the wall of silence he’d built to protect himself from his heartbreak. When the muffled aching noises shattered Jaejoong’s own control, the singer bit his lip, tasting blood on his tongue.
“I’m sorry, Chunnie. I’m sorry,” Jae murmured, rocking slowly to ease his friend’s anguish.
“I hate loving him.” Yoochun struggled to get some air and Jaejoong loosened his hold, dropping his hands to rub at the man’s belly. “I don’t want to love like this. I don’t want to love…”
“Like I do?” Jaejoong asked.
“Like you do,” He agreed, choking on clot in his throat. “How do you breathe? How can you stand to breathe in all of this pain?”
“I just have to,” Jaejoong explained, continuing to form slow circles on Yoochun’s stomach, his fingers leaving behind ghostly goosebump trails. “I don’t have a choice but you do. If you love him, Chunnie-ah, then forgive him. It’s too much to carry inside of you.”
“You do.” Yoochun put his hand over Jae’s, trapping the singer’s fingers against his heated skin. “For Yunho.”
The bed under them squeaked when Jae moved, shifting his legs to hook his calves around Yoochun’s. The baritone squirmed down, giving himself enough room to lay his head on Jae’s arm. Turning in his friend’s arms, he remained tangled into Jae’s long body and stared up into the man’s dark, tear-damp eyes.
“I don’t want to love him,” Jae admitted. “No, I do want to love him but I want him to love me back. Yes, in the open but that will never happen.”
“Then why want to love him?”
“I think when we first started… I needed someone to be proud of me,” The singer said. “I needed someone who was strong, better than me, to say that I was good enough to be standing next to all of you. Yunnie-ah gave me that.”
“He drove you harder than the rest of us,” Yoochun reminded him. “Remember when he made you cry after the show? It was like he thought he was your father; not our leader.”
“We’d already…” Jaejoong held his tongue between his teeth, biting on his flesh when Yoochun poked him in the chest with a finger.
“He kissed me before we went on that night,” The singer said. “I told him I was scared, just a little bit and he kissed me. On the mouth and told me to do my best.”
“Then he yelled at you?” Chun hissed. “Asshole.”
“Yunho was mad because he gave me a kiss and I didn’t do my best. I let him down. I should have done better.” Jaejoong placed his fingers on Yoochun’s mouth before the man could protest. “He’d heard they were going to get rid of me and he was scared. He got angry because he thought I was taking risks.”
“You always take risks.”
“But right then, I was taking a risk with all of you,” Jaejoong said. “That’s why he was mad because it wasn’t just about me. It was also about you. That’s what he taught me. Even if I wasn’t the leader, I still was responsible for all of you.”
“He hurts you,” Yoochun said, rubbing his friend’s lower lip with his thumb then carding his fingers into Jae’s thick dark hair. “You sound like one of those women who keep going back to a man who beats her. I don’t want that for you, Joongie-ah. I want you to… be happy; to be loved.”
“It would be easier if we were in love with each other,” Jae laughed, a bitter, sour sound. “We could just ignore them.”
“And you’re the one who wants me to forgive Junsu,” Yoochun reminded him.
“I want you to forgive him because something’s got to give, Chunnie. We’re not going to make it… the three of us, unless we make this thing between us go away.”
“Suppose we can’t?”
“Then everything I’ve let Yunho down once more time,” Jae admitted. “He was the one who told me we should — at least the three of us — needed to get away… needed to be free. Without him holding me during all of this, I wouldn’t have been strong enough to walk away from the company. Yunho made that possible, Chunnie-ah.”
Yoochun snorted, cupping his friend’s face. “Was this before or after he fucked Se7en?”
“I think he did that because…” Jae hissed, gritting his teeth. “I wasn’t going to make it, Chunnie. I wasn’t… strong enough. I wish I were but I wasn’t. I still don’t think I am. The company was safe. They told me what to do. Where to be. What to sing. And… there was Yunho. I missed him, Chunnie. I still do. It feels like I can’t breathe without him near me — like I’m not alive.”
“What are you talking about, Joongie?”
“I think Yunho planned for me to find him. He told me to keep the faith, Chunnie. When I found him… there, he told me then to keep the faith. I thought he was telling me not to give up on the five of us. I think… he was saying; don’t give up on him,” Jaejoong whispered. “I think he knew I wasn’t going to make it; that I’d let you down like I let you down before. If I was mad at him, there’d be no going back. I wouldn’t go back to… all of that because he wasn’t there for me. It wouldn’t be worth it. It would be too painful.”
Yoochun swallowed, shaking his head in disbelief. “Joongie… I don’t think…”
“You know him. Chunnie,” Jae said. “You know how he thinks. Everything he does… everything is for the five of us. It’s who he is. He can’t help it. It would be like asking the rain outside not to be wet. I think Yunho was willing to set me aside so we would survive. We were dying, Chunnie. Junsu was sick all the time and neither of us were much better.”
“What you’re saying is… Yunho chose to drive us away from him…”
“I’m what he sacrificed so the three of us could be free. I wasn’t strong enough to hold us together so he did it for us.” Jaejoong used the heel of his hand to wipe away the tears on his face. “I think he chose… the three of us — the five of us over — my love for him. I just have to get him to admit it.”
“And if he doesn’t?”
“Then I have to keep my faith in him alive,” Jae whispered. “Until he’s willing to love me again.”