this is for bardou who wanted YooSu angst.
Rating: NC-17ish for this section. Just a little bit.
Genre: It's complicated.
THIS IS TOTALLY AU FROM SMM. 100% off SMM. Not in any way related to So Much Mine, Lavender Bunny or anything else. This probably will be some hardcore NC-17 or hell, maybe fluffy. I dunno.
Parts: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Se7en (heh), Eight, Nine, Ten
“What did you say?” Jaejoong captured Yunho’s wrist, stopping him from lifting the spoon to the singer’s mouth. When Yunho pushed against Jaejoong’s hand, the singer retaliated, knocking the spoon out of Yunho’s grasp. Putting the bowl aside, the leader growled at the waste.
“I said I needed to tell you how much… and why… I loved you. Still love you,” Yunho said, meeting Jaejoong’s frightened, angry eyes. “I don’t know what we’re going to be to each other. Things right now between us are… complicated, but no matter what happens, I wanted you to know that I love you.”
Jaejoong swallowed, shifting to turn his shoulders and face away from the other man’s piercing eyes. The pain in his chest blossomed, cutting deep into his heart until he couldn’t find the strength to breathe and his eyes burned hot with tears. Gulping in air, he tossed off the blankets and tried to stand, only to find his legs unable to support him.
Yunho caught him neatly, wrapping his arms around Jae’s waist before the other man could hurt himself. The brief struggle for dominance ended quickly and Yunho straddled the man’s legs to pin him to the futon. Panting and angry, Jaejoong stared up at Yunho, his wrists trapped in the man’s hands and pushed into the futon’s soft warmth. Wearing only his briefs and his borrowed shirt, Yunho was a blistering weight on Jaejoong’s hips and thighs and he fought, trying to dislodge the other man only to find himself shoved harder into the mattress.
“You make me insane,” Yunho whispered, leaning forward until he could brush his mouth over Jae’s pale, flushed skin. His mouth ached to taste the other man. It had been too long since a sincere sweet kiss passed between them and his lips still felt bruised from the blow Jae landed on his face earlier that evening. “Touching you makes me hurt inside but not touching you… kills me slowly. Not having you, Joongie-ah, murders me… every second I’m away from you is another knife blade into my heart.”
Has it been only a few hours since you struck me, baby? Yunho thought, unable to do more than rub his cheek against Jae’s jaw and neck, knowing full well the other man’s sharp teeth could sink into his tender flesh if Jae really wanted to hurt him. His own tears struck Jae’s throat, forming salty coins on his skin.
“Don’t…” Jae begged, his voice breaking. “Please… Yunho… don’t…”
“The most hateful thing you’ve said to me tonight was when you said I never loved you.” Yunho lifted his head, baring his wet face for Jaejoong to see. “How can you think I never loved you when you can hurt me like no one else?”
Their kiss was tear-stained and bruise-weary, tasting of sweat and need. Yunho pushed down, savagely taking Jaejoong’s lips until they parted for him and the other man sighed into Yunho’s waiting mouth, his body relaxing under the leader’s heavier form. Their tongues swept against the other’s, tentatively tasting and withdrawing before returning. Yunho angled his mouth, covering Jae’s and drank in deeply, needing to fill his heart with the sheer power of the other man’s flavor. Jae lifted his head up, straining to meet Yunho halfway but the leader kept him pinned, moving his torso so his chest pressed Jae’s shoulders down to hold him still.
“Mine,” Yunho sobbed, catching one of Jaejoong’s broken sighs on his tongue. The rush of seared air held all of the man’s heartbreak, carried up hot from his lungs. “I didn’t want to hurt you, baby… I never wanted that for you but I can’t let you go. Not now. Not ever.”
Releasing Jae’s wrists, he carded his fingers into the man’s dark hair, cupping Jae’s face in his palms. He took another kiss, playing with Jae’s lips and loving the moan he could pull out of the man’s desire. Suddenly Yunho’s entire world was the man underneath him and he ached to feel Jae fully under him. Working his shirt off, he grinned when he heard Jaejoong’s wordless plea for more when their bodies separated. Tossing the garment aside, he stroked Jae’s mouth with his thumb, pleased at the swollen feel they had.
Laying skin against skin, Yunho was tempted… sorely tempted… to continue exploring the man’s muscular torso but the small drop of common sense he had remaining threw up a caution flag. Sliding onto the futon next to Jaejoong, he clamped down on his desire for the other man.
“What are you doing to me, Yunnie-ah?” Jaejoong gasped. He needed to pull away from the other man’s arm. Jaejoong knew if he lay besides Yunho for much longer, he would lose any resolve he had to distance himself from a life he needed to leave behind. His heart fractured into pieces when he moved an inch away from the long, hot body next to him. Curling up into a ball, trying to protect himself from the pain he knew would fill him, Jaejoong cried, “What the hell am I doing to myself?”
Yunho’s fingertips along his spine startled Jae and he twitched with the need to roll away. Catching at Jae’s shoulders, the man pulled Jae back, fitting himself into his ex-lover’s curved form. “I’m here, Jaejoong. I’m here, baby.”
They lay together, Jae’s naked body wracked with shivers and sobs and Yunho stroked his sides and belly, comforting the singer with soundless murmurs. The anguish in Jaejoong’s animalistic cries tore at Yunho’s heart, ripping what control he had remaining into shreds. A deep keening ran under the noises, a mournful, low wail of misery Yunho wished he could scrape from his eardrums before his soul bled out from the pain in Jae’s soulful voice.
Working his fingers along Jae’s temples, he caressed the young man’s skull, rubbing away the tension under his skin. When he moved his hand up, Yunho barely felt the sting of Jaejoong’s fingernails digging gouges into the arm clutching Jaejoong’s waist. Blood speckled is skin but Yunho closing his eyes tightly with relief, content to know Jae wanted to be held…and that the other man knew Yunho was the one who cradled him close.
When Jae’s heart-wrenching cries subsided to hiccups and shaky, indistinct noises, Yunho snuggled him closer, one arm wrapped around the other man’s waist while stroking the tears from Jae’s face. The singer turned his face to the blankets, suddenly aware of his nudity and his shame at being unmanned in front of Yunho. Chuckling, the leader rubbed his cheek against Jae’s, raking the other man’s fine skin with the stubble beginning to show on his face.
“I fucking hate you,” Jaejoong said, gulping air to rid himself of the hiccups.
“Yeah, I hate you too,” Yunho replied, kissing Jaejoong’s temple, getting a mouthful of silken black hair in return.
“You hurt me,” He murmured with a voice still edged sharp with pain. “I can’t stand it any more. I can’t stand you hurting me any longer, Yunho.”
“Can you stand a life without me?” Yunho whispered into the cup of Jae’s ear, brushing his lips on the soft skin under the other man’s jaw. “Because I can tell you that we’ve been trying that these past few months and it’s not working out very well.”
“I’m tired of crying,” Jae admitted, wishing for a tissue to wipe his nose with. Grabbing a napkin Yunho left within his reach, he wiped at his face, hiccupping painfully. “Fucking hell.”
“Keep that up and I’d think you were the one sleeping with Choi Dong Wook.” Yunho laughed at the murderous look on Jaejoong’s face. “I didn’t sleep with Se7en, Joongie-ah.”
“And Junsu?” Jae shivered then murmured appreciatively when Yunho pulled one of the soft blankets over them, tucking his arm back around Jae’s waist to hold him in place. “I can’t talk or think when you’re like this….when I’m like this. I need to put some clothes on.”
“No,” Yunho refused, gripping the other man tighter. “You’re less likely to run away when you’re naked. In fact, I’m thinking that any time I talk to you, I’m going to insist you take your clothes off first. It will give me a fighting chance.”
“You don’t need a fighting chance,” Jae sniffed. “You punch me in the gut by doing stupid, stupid things and letting me catch you doing them. Junsu. Now. Did you fuck him too? After everything we screamed about from before, we agreed that we’d let the two of them alone and then I found you…”
“Comforting someone I consider my brother,” Yunho said. “I never thought it would hurt you to find us like that. If I had, I wouldn’t have been there with him.”
“Comforting? You often comfort friends in bed?”
“Like you do with Yoochun? Junsu told me he finds the two of you wrapped around one another in bed and you’ve got the nerve to ask me if I’m faithful?” Yunho asked, lightly stabbing Jaejoong in the stomach with his fingers. “Quit squirming. This is the nonsense that keeps us at each other’s throats. If we going to go forward… together… we’ve got to come up with a way to trust… to learn to love even when we’re not side by side.”
“How can I trust…” Jae started to say then Yunho’s hand covered his mouth.
“How can you not trust me?” Yunho asked softly.
“Se7en. Naked. Finding you,” He mumbled behind Yunho’s fingers.
“I’m sorry for that,” He said, wincing when the other man’s teeth scraped his palm. “Not one of my best ideas.”
“One of your worst,” Jae grumbled, trying to get comfortable. The crying jag left him tired and hungry but his sex was more interested in the man holding him than sleep or food. “I don’t know if I can…forgive? I don’t know…anything. What am I supposed to do with this? With us? We can’t see each other openly. The company has made sure of that. So much of what we are is standing on stage with one another and now when I look to the right of me, I don’t see you and it makes my heart ache.”
“I know, baby,” Yunho said.
“I hate you more when I can’t see you…next to me…where you’re supposed to be,” Jae said, biting back his anger as much as he could but the hardness he felt inside escaped. “How am I supposed to live without you in the one place that I really feel alive?”
“What do you think they’re doing?” Junsu asked, staring up at the ceiling as Yoochun shuffled back from the bathroom. The baritone wiped toothpaste foam from his mouth then joined the smaller man in bed, shoving his cold feet under Junsu’s legs. “Aish, you’re cold. How did you get so cold walking so little?”
“I stuck my feet in cold tub water. They were too warm. Now they’re too cold,” Yoochun complained, rumpling Junsu into a ball so he could get warm. The tenor shouted, yelping loudly and tried to get free of the man’s arms but Yoochun merely held on, waiting for Junsu’s innate laziness to kick in. When the man’s struggles subsided, he nestled closer, happy at winning the tussle. “Don’t move. Just listen to the rain for a bit. It sounds like the sky is kissing the earth. Can’t you hear it?”
Junsu closed his eyes, resting his head back on Yoochun’s shoulder and let go of the tension in his muscles. Driven by some inexplicable need for fresh, cold air, the baritone cracked the hotel window a bit and the sound of the storm crept in, chewing apart the silence they’d basked in.
“It sounds like she’s protesting,” Junsu said after a minute. “Like she’s telling him no but she’s not moving away. Tempting him to push further… take more than a kiss but he can’t… because the stars are watching him.”
“The sky is a bad boy?” Yoochun teased, kissing the corner of Junsu’s mouth to capture his giggle.
“Probably. I have it on good experience that the world loves bad boys. Even greasy ones,” Junsu blew a kiss into his lover’s mouth. His mood sobered and the light from the beside lamp cast his soft frown in shadows. “Do you think they’re arguing?”
“Yes,” Yoochun said then hissed when Junsu’s elbow connected with his ribs. “Hey, turn over and face me. Then you can’t do that.”
“But I can still punch you,” Junsu said, brandishing a fist under Yoochun’s nose as he flipped over to lie on his side. “Be serious. I’m worried.”
“Can’t you lie here for a night and be happy that we’re on our way together?”
“No,” Junsu admitted. “Not when I know Yunho is out there running after Jaejoong.”
“You assume Yunho’s doing the running.”
“When isn’t Yunho doing the running?”
Yoochun thought for a second then nodded, conceding the point. “We could call them.”
“How do we know they took their phones? I wouldn’t want to have my phone. I’d know you’d hound me every few minutes with voice mails or texts,” Junsu grumbled, stretching out his legs and hooking on over Yoochun’s calves. “They didn’t even tell us they were leaving.”
“For all we know one killed the other and took the body up to the roof.” Yoochun made a whistling sound, mimicking something falling. “One heave and then he runs away to join a shrine someplace.”
“I don’t think Yunho would murder Jaejoong.”
“You assume Yunho is doing the murdering,” Yoochun countered, laughing when Junsu finally and reluctantly nodded. “No, Jaejoong would do something first. Yunho is too controlled. Everything is thought out and when things don’t go his way, he explodes and pushes. Jaejoong would hit him over the head with something first. Just because it would make him feel better.”
“I worry…” Junsu whispered, tracing the full moon of Yoochun’s nipple with the tip of his finger. “I worry that they won’t find peace between them.”
“Yunho… couldn’t walk away from the company. Jaejoong tried to understand but…” He shrugged, touching Junsu’s forehead with his lips. “Now, they have to find each other again. I only hope that the person they find is the person they’re looking for.”
“Why…did you comfort Jaejoong? I mean,” Junsu stumbled over his words, looking for the right phrase. “Why did you…”
“We didn’t do anything, Susu-ah,” Yoochun said, cupping his lover’s face. “Jaejoong… he held me together when I first came to Seoul. When I had no one, Jaejoong was there to tell me it would be okay. I needed to do that for him, baby. He needed me. He… Yunho shattered him. Shattered his confidence. It took him a long time to really believe someone could actually love him and then all of a sudden when he needed Yunho’s arms the most, he wasn’t there.”
“He’s not alone now,” Junsu protested, hating the whine edging into his voice. It was hard sharing Yoochun with the other singer and no matter how often Yoochun reassured him, Junsu felt inadequate next to the changeable Jaejoong. “A lot of people love him. Most of the time, even I do.”
“He’s more alone than ever,” Yoochun said. “He gave his heart to Yunho. His soul. Jaejoong is passionate and giving but it’s rare that he lets someone take care of him. I think that’s the deepest sign of trust Jae can give. He will let Yunho take care of him…lead him.”
“Our hyung hates being told what to do,” Junsu agreed. “Professionally, it’s different… I know but personally, he’d eat candy for breakfast if he wanted to.”
“Jaejoong does what he wants; when he wants to.” The baritone hooked his arm around Junsu’s shoulders, liking the feel of the man on his chest and thigh. “But see, he gave up control to Yunho. He didn’t submit to him; he trusted him. He never gave anyone that kind of trust before so I don’t know if Jaejoong can trust him ever again.”
“But he didn’t sleep with Se7en!” Junsu protested. “He says he did it to make sure we had a cleaner break…that it was becoming too painful for us to walk on both sides of… the company was killing us. Even as we tried to walk away, they hurt us. Why didn’t he just come with us? Why didn’t Min? This never would have happened if they weren’t so…”
“Filial? Yunho and Min are very traditional and our dongsaeng made a promise,” Yoochun said softly. “He signed a contract and he wants to stick with it. He knows we have a harder time of it but he’s bound to… the company is like a father to him.”
“Min doesn’t have the pressures we do.”
“You and I don’t have the pressures Jaejoong and Yunho do. We were drinking rat poison believing it was soju and we were still better off than the two of them.”
“I know. I know,’ The other man murmured, resting his chin on Yoochun’s bare chest, blowing waves of goosebumps across Chun’s pale skin with each breath he exhaled. “I don’t know why Jaejoong stood it for as long as he did.”
“Because he loved Yunho,” Yoochun sighed, holding Junsu tightly. “Still loves Yunho. I watch him sometimes and there’s a ghost following him. His face is haunted by it and he turns around sometimes when we walk through an airport, like he’s looking for something important he’d left behind.”
“You’re going to make me cry, Chunnie-ah,” Junsu sniffled. “I don’t want to think Jaejoong is hurting because I couldn’t survive what the company was doing to us.”
“He knew what he was doing,” Yoochun said. “Even when Yunho made the decision to stay with Min, Jaejoong knew what he was doing and accepted its hardship.”
“Do you think…when he’s sitting alone…away from us sometimes, that he’s thinking of Yunho.”
“I know there is some small part of him that is looking for Yunho. Jaejoong is looking for the man he gave his heart to, because he can’t quite believe Yunho won’t catch up with him eventually; finding him in the middle of the crowd and offering him shelter against the noise and pain.” Yoochun closed his eyes, refusing to let his tears fall into Junsu’s upturned face. “I just hope that when Yunho finally does catch up to him, he doesn’t hand Jaejoong back his heart and walk away. I don’t think my brother… my friend… will survive that.”